on having another

10:36 AM


Although I haven't even reached the halfway mark this pregnancy has already been significantly different from my first. I think the biggest change was the fact that it was a surprise. With Birdie we had been trying for a long time, there was much crying and begging and praying involved, so when we finally got that positive it was a "FINALLY!!" feeling. With this pregnancy, it was pure shock and disbelief from the very first moment. After Birdie, I was fully prepared to have a very difficult time getting pregnant again (part of the reason we were planning on waiting a little bit, I wasn't sure I was ready to get on that roller coaster again) so this baby instantly felt like magic, a miracle. 
Although this baby wasn't in the plans and it has inevitably altered our future we all couldn't help but shake the feeling that this baby was meant to be in our family at this very moment, the timing, though not ours feels more right than anything we could have planned for. One thing that has saddened me is the number or times people ask us something along the lines of "well are you happy?" as if the sole fact that this pregnancy was not planned could possibly mean that this child was not wanted. Because the truth is I wanted this child since I was a little girl, I wanted this family, all of us, all four of us and perhaps one day five or six, for as long as I can remember. So even though I didn't spend my nights collecting tears on my pillow in want of this child and it was instead marvelously bestowed upon us doesn't mean my heart hasn't longed for him or her for years. 
The other slightly unpleasant "side-effect" of this particular pregnancy has been all the anxiety. I don't know what it was with Birdie but I had this extreme degree of blissful ignorance when it came to all things pregnancy and delivery related. I had a feeling that nothing could possibly go wrong, I never questioned the outcome, my health or hers, and just sailed through the pregnancy. This time was so different. From the very beginning I felt so protective over this child, his or her fragility always a sharp reality in my mind. I felt that every new day we were given to continue on this journey was such an unbelievable blessing. At times the fear and questions would overwhelm me and that first prenatal appointment couldn't come soon enough. Papa bear graciously respected my wishes to keep this between us until I could breath a sigh of a relief upon hearing that heartbeat from inside my ever growing belly (which didn't happen until I was 14 weeks!). The waiting for that day was agonizing, for the first time I was frightened over not knowing how this baby was doing. I love that connection that comes later, feeling their every movement, knowing when they like to sleep and on which side and when they're excited or have the hiccups. 
The first trimester was so hard for me and not just because I was physically ill, I was just so worried. It was lonely and scary and just not fun. And although I've gotten my health back and every other the day the baby lets me know how he or she is doing with a little nudge here and there, it does not mean I've come to take this baby for granted. I still feel, very acutely, just what a miracle this life inside me is and I'm so passionate about taking the best care of him or her, and myself for its sake, which, I'll be honest, is not easy with a very active and demanding toddler on the loose.  
I'm interested in seeing how my thoughts and feelings change as this pregnancy progresses but more than anything I just can't wait to meet this little angel already!!

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21 notes

  1. I totally understand you being worries, I worry about what seems like everything these days, so I can only imagine how much I'd worry if I were in your position. Very happy to hear you and the baby are doing great, I hope the rest of the pregnancy is easier and less worrying for you!

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    1. Thank you so much lovely! We are doing much better now, all those kicks are so reassuring :) xoxo

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  2. I went through the exact same thing, literally -- I was no blissfully naive my first pregnancy but then a total nutjob filled with worry the second go around (for my third and fourth pregnancies, I was so busy, I didn't have time to worry!) -- there's really nothing you can do to alleviate it (from my experience) but it sure does give you a different perspective on the miracle of pregnancy, so just try to enjoy and appreciate that aspect of it.

    Congratulations again!

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    1. Funny how things can change so much?? It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way so I appreciate your kind words :) Thank you! xoxo

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  3. I'm sorry your first trimester was so icky, and can't imagine anyone asking you if you're happy about the baby. Nothing like adding to your stress. What a sweet, unexpected blessing. I hope your mind will be put at peace this week. Take care!

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    1. Thank you so much Susan! Feeling much better now! xo

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  4. Great to hear that you are so happy about that wonderful surprise! I would be too. And even greater considering that it took you quite a while to have V. What a blessing. I am excited to hear what you will write on siblings when the time comes. ;-) One reason for me to have more than one child is that I just cannot imagine life without my sister. I hope that you will be able to enjoy the rest of this pregnancy and that birth will be easier this time (usually is with No. 2). All the best,
    Sandy

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    1. Oh I'm so hoping Birdie can have a sister! I always wanted one :) I'm feeling much better now! Thank you so much for your kind and support words my dear! Lots of love to you! xoxo

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  5. My experience has been just the opposite. I was an anxious mess all through my first pregnancy, and this time around, I am filled with calm. I blame the hormones (or, thank them, this time)! :)

    I am always appalled at the things people say to me when I am pregnant. It's like social etiquette just flies out the window, and people feel they have a right to comment on something very personal, making all kinds of assumptions and just plain weird or rude statements. I actually had someone (while I was at work, a member of the public I was helping) say to me, "you're bringing a child into this world?" Yes, yes I am thank you for asking. :)

    Sounds like you've got the best unexpected gift possible in life.

    Super cute top, btw!

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    1. That's so interesting!! Pregnancy is such a crazy experience! I couldn't agree more with you on the inappropriate comments thing, we experienced the same thing when we were getting married. I just don't get it... Thank you so much for your kind words and wishing you all the very best!! xoxo

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  6. I'm so happy for you! I can hardly wait for it to be me and my husbands turn to be blessed with a baby and it fills me with joy to see a wonderful family getting another baby. God bless you and your babies!

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    1. Thank you so much!! You are the sweetest! Wishing you and your husband the very best! xoxo

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  7. This post is so well written, and I think so many people can connect with you on this! My son was a complete surprise, and it is confusing when you tell people that your child wasn't planned because they usually assume that unplanned means unwanted. So not true!

    PS- I came across this post from Sometimes Sweet's friday links post. Have a great weekend!

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    1. Thank you SO MUCH Emma! Yes! Exactly! Wishing you all the very best! xoxo

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  8. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am just a few weeks ahead of you with my 2nd pregnancy as well! I'm curious to know if you think you might find out what you are having? I had an easy pregnancy the first time and this one the 1st trimester really through me off as I was pretty nauseous and super tired, but feeling much better now. We had a little girl the first time,and have no idea what we will have this time.

    Anyways, hope everything continues to go great for you! Enjoy this special time!

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    1. Thank you so much!! And congratulations to you too!! Yes we are definitely finding out this time! I think it will be easier to prepare Birdie for the arrival of her sibling if we can tell her all about him or her. Thank you so much for all the kind words and I'm glad to hear you are feeling better! I am as well :) xoxo

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  9. Congrats on your pregnancy! Currently I am 20 weeks and can relate to feeling lots of anxiety during pregnancy. The first trimester was very hard for me but once I entered the second trimester I gradually felt better about things.I hope that you can too start to feel more at peace as your pregnancy progresses. I wish you and your family all the best. Take care!

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    1. Congratulations to you too! Almost halfway there! :) Yes, the second trimester is always so much better! Wishing you a great rest of your pregnancy! xoxo

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  10. this was so sweet and i just want to hug you! i understand having the anxiety and worry - i hope that every day continues to reassure you, calm you, and by the time this little one arrives it will be just joy 24-7 :) i'm happy to hear you easily got pregnant this time, too. congrats again!

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    1. Aww! Love you sweet lady! I am feeling much better and the kicks are become stronger and more frequent and there's nothing more reassuring than that :) Thank you sweetheart! xoxo

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  11. Oh my goodness you are too sweet... I'm crossing my fingers that things get easier for you from hereon-in. Again, I'm so excited for your little family to bring another angel into the world!!!

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