• Charles Darwin's On the Origin of Species - V is our resident naturalist and she has been over the moon about this book since she got it for Christmas. It's such a great way to explore the topic of evolution for a child her age.
• Last Stop on Market Street - This is Teddy's favorite book. He never tires of it. When we first got it he was so excited that "the little boy looks like me!" 
• Good Morning Neighbor - This one is both the kids favorite. They especially love if we "do voices." It's a fun sweet story book that teaches about the importance of inclusion. 
• Henry's Bright Idea - another animal story book that the kids love hearing over and over again.
• Adventures in Brambly Hedge - This is a collection of four little books but don't let the size fool you! These are actually perfect for V in that they are a cross between a story book and a chapter book. Plus the illustrations are delightful!
• Hidden World Forest - This is a book that the kids love to explore together - Teddy will lift the flaps and V can read most of the fun facts. It's almost always on their bedside table. 
• The Story of the Root Children - V absolutely adores this sweet old-fashioned book. The illustrations are divine and the story is a whimsical retelling of the seasons. 

It's September!! And so begins my most favorite time of the year, not that that is news to most of you here. It truly does spark ALL the joy for me. We even got a little taste of fall weather this weekend in Pennsylvania. It got down to 65 in the evening and we awoke to a moody and rainy Sunday morning complete with swaying cornfields and a gray dark sky. It was delightful. Naturally that propelled me to immediately go out and buy a "autumn scented" candle and a basket of apples. And it may be 90 degrees today but in my heart it's a cool 55 and I'm wearing my favorite sweater.
The kids started their second week of school today and we were already off to a much better start than last week. Ironically I just started my two week break between semesters and it's a strange feeling to have the house quiet and all to myself. By noon today I had organized all the drawers, got rid of two trash bags full of randomness/trash, cleaned out the fridge, did a load of laundry and grocery shopped. So now I'm here! I thought I'd share some "fall inspired" links and let you know that I do have a kids favorite books post coming as well as a back to school outfit post for little boys!

• head over here to see all my crazy autumn dreams in one place
• this is hands down our family's favorite cozy recipe for dinner once it gets cold
• i'm dying to give these pumpkin muffins a try
• I have less than four months to get the nursery together and I'm obsessed with this one
• what's better than a good spooky book to get you through halloween season?
• this is the fall candle I mentioned
• I've been a fan of On Being for years and this is such a good re-centering one for parents
• we are in desperate need of new sheets and I can't decide between Brooklinen or Parachute. Any recommendations?
• the perfect fall sweater in three perfect colors!
• lastly Joanna's newest collection of kids at Target is just perfection!

I've tried to start this post a dozen times... I don't exactly know why it's so hard to just say it. To get it out. It's taken me months to understand this on my own and some days it's still hard to process and certainly talking about it openly carries added weight. But for the sole reason that speaking to others about this has helped me immensely I want to share in case my words could make some of you feel less alone. So here it is - I've been struggling with peripartum depression during this pregnancy.
When we first found out we were expecting this little boy we were thrilled. The timing wasn't "right" but it felt perfect, nevertheless. Another little one to join our family of four! But as the shock and the thrill wore off a new feeling took up residence in my chest... Was it dread? Was it anxiety? Was it just plain old fear? I've always been a little anxious until I hit that 12 week mark but this time it was worse, I was constantly fearing the worst. Playing out scenarios in my head, googling symptoms incessantly and tossing and turning at night. Then 12 weeks came and I watched my little boy sail around my uterus in black and white in a darkened room. There he was - thriving. I drove home from that appointment glowing and full of joy. But as nighttime and nausea descended the heaviness settled in my chest again. My mind would grasp at straws of worry and as soon as I would loosen its hold on one it would expertly find another one to wind its tentacles around. And then as the nausea and exhaustion came to a crescendo around 14 weeks I just found myself feeling perpetually numb. Not warm and fuzzy numb but rather black hole numb. Nothing seemed to bring me joy and the anxiety was replaced with static, white noise.
But I convinced myself that it was just the nausea and the vomiting. Once it would pass I would most certainly feel better. After all my second trimester was something I had relished with my other two. My body would be bathed in hormones that made me feel superhuman - I had more energy than ever, I was constantly happy and felt full of life and love. And so I coaxed myself - just a few more weeks, just hang in there and it will be better. And lo and behold much to everyone's great joy the nausea lifted and the vomiting stopped. My energy came back. And yet... That feeling, the one in my chest, was still ever present. I began to try and will myself into happiness - "Look at this growing babe! He's healthy! The kids are thrilled!" And yet it still felt like my happiness was just out of reach, I could see it, I could hear it but I just couldn't get my hands on it. I began to feel hopeless...
I have spent the last few months desperately struggling to get out of this fog. And while I continue to make my way through this dark path I feel suffocated with guilt and shame. I hate that I spent the first two months of my children's summer vacation in bed or on the sofa with my eyes closed. I hate that I can't will myself to feel as joyful about this pregnancy as I did the other two. I hate that I wake up every day taking my mental temperature only to be disappointed when I can't seem to lift the veil that seems to smother any ounce of happiness I can scrape together. I hate that I'm struggling to connect to this baby boy, even though he couldn't be more wanted or loved. I hate that I'm ashamed of feeling this way. I hate that my children have seen me cry more in the last three months than they have in their entire lifetimes. I hate everything about this.
But there is one thing I am grateful for and that is clarity. Finally understanding that this is chemical, temporary and has no bearing on how I truly feel about this child helps. I've begun seeing a therapist again, I'm trying to make some lifestyle changes and I'm trying to talk about it more openly rather than continuing to wear an "everything's great!" mask. I am slogging my way through this for my prize on the other side - this precious soul that is growing inside me.
For those of you who have been there, or are there now, I see you. This feels like one of the hardest journeys I have had to take. The nature of this depression, how unnatural it feels, makes it ever more difficult. The constant guilt and shame further compound the pain and the weight of it all. But perhaps, as always, the silver lining is the ability to see other women and to see their pain laid bare in the recognition of something that is so familiar to me now. Because beneath it all - the pretending, the trying, the "I'm sorry," is the century old tale of us as women desperately wanting to make everyone else happy, to not cause discomfort, to ameliorate. Because saying I'm with child, I'm tired, I'm nauseous AND I'm sad feels like a little too much. At least one of those things we must carry on our own. And so I am incredibly grateful to those people in my life who have continually said "You don't have to carry any of this, give it to me to hold, even if for just a little while." So if I can offer anything it would be that you lay down the sadness, the tiredness, the worrying because the babe you are carrying is heavy enough.

• make sure more expensive items are unisex and can be either shared or passed down
• when it comes to items like dresses, sweaters and cardigans I buy in colors that will be as versatile as possible and allow me to create multiple outfits
• I don't buy more than two sweaters per child per cold season, sometimes with Teddy I can get away with one because he will acquire one from Birdie from last season
• In general I like to work with a similar color palette, once again for versatility
• I invest in tights and socks for Birdie because they can create really fun multiple outfits, I also buy them in the spring and summer for the following fall (that's when they're often on sale)