this is me now

10:57 PM

It dawned on me the other day, as I was hunched over and helping Birdie pedal her tiny bike - hair unwashed, makeup-less and in sweatpants, that I had always imagined that when I became a mother I would have it all together. In my mind I had always thought that I would be more elegant, refined, sophisticated, wise and accomplished by the time I decided to bring children into this world. What a silly, silly little girl I was. I was probably more sophisticated before kids than I am now. For crying out loud I had never dipped my toes into the "frozen entrees" section of the freezer aisle until I had two kids.
In my present reality I am far from elegant and accomplished. I don't have a "beauty routine," a trendy haircut or my "statement piece." I have hair ties that nicely put my mop in a bun 6 days out of the week. I have a lot of sweatpants. I eat m&m's for breakfast and lunch is often a clementine I peel while rocking my baby and ravenously shove in my mouth. I haven't finished a book in close to two years. I can no longer do basic math in my head (hello iphone calculator!!). I haven't seen a classroom in years and textbooks are something I remember fondly as being part of my life "when I was young." And I'm not particularly charming or dare I say fun as most of the time when I am speaking to someone I am keeping track of a feeding schedule (left or right breast??!! what time is it???), two separate sleeping schedules and trying to make sure I'm not burning down the house. Oh, in addition to always bracing myself for an imminent meltdown.
Inevitably as these thoughts crossed my mind I started to feel deflated, disappointed. Why can't I be one of those women for whom motherhood seems effortless? Who's hair and brows are perfect and are in possession of those "beauty routines" I keep hearing about? Why am I not more well read?? Hell, I thought I would have published something by this point. Why am I wearing pajamas?? Again? It became a "beatings will continue until morale improves" type of deal in my head until I was interrupted.
I was interrupted by Birdie's elated squeals as she pedaled past our neighbors twinkling bedazzled homes. And there it was. The answer to all these questions - two beautiful happy kids. Because for me right now a perfect arch on my brows or fresh nail polish means less time with my little ones and that is something I just will never compromise on. It's alright if my children don't remember me as some Jackie O figure as long as they remember that we always had fun, that I always made time for them and that they were always well fed, warm, happy and loved.
This doesn't mean I have to let everything go. Every once in a while I stay up a little later and read a chapter from a book I started back in 2013 or do my nails for once. I always make sure to pull out all the stops for date night and a few nights a week some pinterest recipe will inspire me to actually dust off those frying pans. It's not glamorous or elegant but my life is very full of all the good stuff, even if that stuff is awfully messy most of the time.

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