i ain't missing you (well maybe just a little)

4:30 PM

The other day I walked past our living room as I was putting away toys, for what felt like the billionth time that day, and I had to laugh to myself at the placement of candles. You would have thought that someone went through with a three foot ruler and measured to ensure that not one candle was reachable to certain, cough*birdie*cough*teddy*cough, kids. You see back in the day I loved to scatter candles across the coffee table [like a normal person]. And I have had to learn the hard way why they must be kept far far away from grubby little hands. Have you ever tried to remove burned candle wick from white carpet?? Try it sometime it's super fun activity for a Sunday morning and guaranteed to put you in the best of moods!
But you know this got me thinking of all those little, and sometimes big, things that I miss about life before kids. Like...

- going to the bathroom in peace without two little people staring at me asking asking me what I'm doing
- cooking for myself instead of two very picky and opinionated individuals who will probably not eat 50% of what I cook anyway
- not having all of my magazines shredded and chewed before I even get to look at them. Now I'll never know that nifty way I could organize my silverware drawer!
- not needing at minimum half an hour but more realistically 45 minutes to get in the car. Then another fifteen minutes before we can get out of the driveway.
- sleeping. More specifically REM sleep, I don't think I've experienced that magical unicorn in approximately three years
- showering, eating, getting dressed, using my laptop for something other than playing "Springtime with Roo" for the thousandth time. It's like these kids smell when I'm about to engage in something that is at least a little bit selfish and they must stop it!
- a clean house. For like two hours. Heck, I'll even take an hour. You know how dogs shed hair? Kids shed EVERYTHING but the kitchen sink.
- not having grimy fingerprints on every flat surface of the house
- unloading the dishwasher in peace. Why, why do kids always think the dishwasher is an amusement park?
- being able to have a phone call with another adult without having to say "I'm sorry about that screaming/crying/whining my kid [wants the "udder tiny muffin/a snack/my udder tiny powka dot ball/my pink bunny socks/snack/pushing thingy"]
- every ceramic item in our house being in one piece
- not having my trash rifled through or... eaten
- going out to eat. With kids it's a tossup of whether or not you will a) finish your food b) end up being "those people" or the ever elusive c) actually have a good time
- sleeping in. Closely tied to sleeping but of course with this one I'm just being greedy now.
- not handling someone else's poop or urine on a daily basis.
- laundry for two people. I want to travel back in time and slap myself for ever complaining about doing laundry.

All that being said I've allowed one of these two children to pee on me in the bed twice so I guess we're keeping them... Might even like them. Probably love them. Like a lot. Like I'll go Katniss Everdeen on anyone that dares to make them cry.

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