She's already asleep but my mind is racing. Lunch packed? Check. Clothes laid out? Check. Water bottle filled? Check. But also - how? How is this day already here? It's been almost six years in the making yet it still feels too soon.
Our days have been inextricably intertwined since the day she was born. Wherever I went, she went with me. When I spent three months in physical therapy after delivering her she would nap in her carseat next to me. When Kevin would travel for work she was my only point of human contact during the day, her twinkling eyes and baby giggle bringing me comfort and joy. I wonder how many loads of laundry she's watched me fold over the years. How many trips to Target did we make together? I think of all the banana bread, cookies and cakes she's helped me bake.
And so when I think about this week I get the biggest lump in my throat when I imagine my days now. Sure I still have Teddy with me but it will be different. Permanently different. Forever different. Because she'll never been all mine again. I will never look over from washing dishes at two in the afternoon and see her coloring at the kitchen table. I will never have our lunches together or afternoon naps. Her days will be consumed with learning, playing and making friends and my days will be busy too. But never too busy to remember what they used to look like.
For it feels like tonight it's not just my big girl starting school it's the closing of a door on a life that was unique and unrepeatable. I will never been a young, brand new mama overwhelmed and nervous and figuring out this whole parenting thing for the first time. I was 26 when she was born, looking back I feel like I was practically a child myself then. So in a way, we grew up together and she taught me almost everything I know and believe about parenting and really, when I think about it - life. Children are, thankfully, the most forgiving of teachers. Only children truly forgive and forget. For every stumble of mine she was there to offer up her warm smile and gracious hug. She taught me patience, trust and faith. But more than anything she taught me that love is best when it's unconditional and boundless.
I'll miss her little hand in mind as I go through my day. I'll miss her chatter and hearing her say "mama" two hundred and fifty times a day. I'll miss just hanging out with my best friend. But I also know that as with all things in life this will open up a new window of possibility, growth and change for us both. I have no doubt that this new chapter will be just as wonderful, interesting and exciting as the last and I'm so excited to see her bloom in this new garden.

We had a wonderful past school year homeschooling. It was my first time trying my hand at it and I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed it. We explored, we painted, we read and learned how to read. We added two plus two and went to go see newly hatched owlets. It wasn't always easy but we always had the promise of a new day, a chance to try again and try better. Throughout the year we would ask Birdie if she thought she would want to continue homeschooling next year or attend kindergarten. She waffled but would ultimately say she wanted to continue with homeschool. Until the very end of the year. As summer was nearing and the decision was weighing more on our minds we asked again and she surprised us by saying that she missed the experience she had at preschool the previous year and wanted to have teachers, friends and to "play on a playground."
It took me some time to process this as I had already began to plan the next school year. But I wanted to respect her wishes and I wanted to trust that she knows that this is what she needs. Homeschool is a wonderful option but it is decidedly different from conventional school in many ways. And truly in this past year we had seen Birdie blossom when it comes to interpersonal relationships. She had grown so much more confident in herself and in turn gained a confidence when it came to interacting with others. She went from being our quiet, shy child to chatting up everyone from the grocery store check-out lady to our neighbors. She is constantly told that she is incredibly friendly and we've noticed her yearn for more interaction with children her own age.
Teddy and I will miss her terribly, there is no doubt about that, but we're excited to cheer her on this new adventure and we will be waiting at home for her every day with open arms. It also helps that her kindergarten class is on the campus of the school where Kevin teaches and knowing that he will be present there every day brings me so much peace. I also have no doubt that she will flourish there and enjoy the heck out of every day. And today at dinner she looked at me and said "Mama you were the best teacher of homeschool and I had such a good time," oh my heart! And as for me...
Well I'll be heading back to school myself come January. It's taken me ten years but I've finally come back to what I've always known in my heart to be my truest passion - psychology. As my children are needing less of me I am looking forward to nurturing my creative and academic needs more in the future and seeing where this takes me!
All of these changes are thrilling but terrifying too. Here's to new beginnings for all of us!!