this is me now

10:57 PM

It dawned on me the other day, as I was hunched over and helping Birdie pedal her tiny bike - hair unwashed, makeup-less and in sweatpants, that I had always imagined that when I became a mother I would have it all together. In my mind I had always thought that I would be more elegant, refined, sophisticated, wise and accomplished by the time I decided to bring children into this world. What a silly, silly little girl I was. I was probably more sophisticated before kids than I am now. For crying out loud I had never dipped my toes into the "frozen entrees" section of the freezer aisle until I had two kids.
In my present reality I am far from elegant and accomplished. I don't have a "beauty routine," a trendy haircut or my "statement piece." I have hair ties that nicely put my mop in a bun 6 days out of the week. I have a lot of sweatpants. I eat m&m's for breakfast and lunch is often a clementine I peel while rocking my baby and ravenously shove in my mouth. I haven't finished a book in close to two years. I can no longer do basic math in my head (hello iphone calculator!!). I haven't seen a classroom in years and textbooks are something I remember fondly as being part of my life "when I was young." And I'm not particularly charming or dare I say fun as most of the time when I am speaking to someone I am keeping track of a feeding schedule (left or right breast??!! what time is it???), two separate sleeping schedules and trying to make sure I'm not burning down the house. Oh, in addition to always bracing myself for an imminent meltdown.
Inevitably as these thoughts crossed my mind I started to feel deflated, disappointed. Why can't I be one of those women for whom motherhood seems effortless? Who's hair and brows are perfect and are in possession of those "beauty routines" I keep hearing about? Why am I not more well read?? Hell, I thought I would have published something by this point. Why am I wearing pajamas?? Again? It became a "beatings will continue until morale improves" type of deal in my head until I was interrupted.
I was interrupted by Birdie's elated squeals as she pedaled past our neighbors twinkling bedazzled homes. And there it was. The answer to all these questions - two beautiful happy kids. Because for me right now a perfect arch on my brows or fresh nail polish means less time with my little ones and that is something I just will never compromise on. It's alright if my children don't remember me as some Jackie O figure as long as they remember that we always had fun, that I always made time for them and that they were always well fed, warm, happy and loved.
This doesn't mean I have to let everything go. Every once in a while I stay up a little later and read a chapter from a book I started back in 2013 or do my nails for once. I always make sure to pull out all the stops for date night and a few nights a week some pinterest recipe will inspire me to actually dust off those frying pans. It's not glamorous or elegant but my life is very full of all the good stuff, even if that stuff is awfully messy most of the time.

10 notes

Christy SpencerDecember 17, 2014 at 12:02 PM
This is the best mom-blog post I've read in ages. Thank you thank you thank you! Yesterday a friend and I were talking about how it seems so many IG/blogger moms have endless time and talent for things that to us seem… extraordinary, while we can barely keep routine together. Thanks for relating to me, as I just finished a handful of peanut butter M&Ms, wearing sweats, and the baby is about to wake from a short nap. You're wonderful!
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Susan ClarkDecember 17, 2014 at 12:40 PM
This was so well put! I am sneaking a look at your blog between filling out paper work, doing laundry, and entertaining my 15 mo. About 15 minutes ago, he came over to the computer and pushed the top closed, and held up a book for me to read/sing to him for the 5 billionth time today. And it made me laugh because that is really what is most important. Days are long and years are short. Thank you for such beautiful thoughts.
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UnknownDecember 17, 2014 at 3:16 PM
Ha! The first years are like that. I just bought ready-made Christmas cards instead of crafting them and haven't purchased a single present that is not bought online. I need a haircut. I do my nails on the train on my way to work. As I do phonecalls, sms, letters, shopping lists and knitting. :-D The only me-time is yoga on wednesday nights.( I feel especially guilty for taking time for myself because currently I have to work fulltime while my husband mostly cares for the kids.)I wish you a wonderful and blessed Christmas and everything good for the new year!
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UnknownDecember 17, 2014 at 7:44 PM
I love this post so so much! You are the best, your honesty is so refreshing, and helpful. I am in the same boat. We all are. I think some mamas are better at hiding it, glossing over it, etc. But it is there, behind the perfect photos. Motherhood is real and messy and all-consuming. I am always in varying states of "mess" when I am home with my babies. (Even my work-ready appearance is a bit of a mess! Usually I have to skip makeup entirely, and wait until I get to work try to do something with my hair other than the top knot that I slept in.) It's just the nature of the beast.

I think it is always hard to reconcile our ideas with reality. Especially with all things related to parenting. I try not to let my expectations get in the way of enjoying the reality. The reality is better! On my best days, I can embrace it. On my worst days, I work through the frustration and guilt.

I am convinced that our children will never know we were in pj's eating m&m's for breakfast. To them, we ARE sophisticated. All knowing, all powerful, big and smart and strong. We are the wise women. And the love that we surround them with, that is what they will remember, and what will shape them, and build them up for their entire lives. They are so perfectly self-centered little beings, they have no idea the mess we are, the exhaustion we go through for them, the frustrations we endure. Nor should they. It is as it should be.

My goal is to embrace the mess, the noise, even the exhaustion. To enjoy life despite the work that never gets finished. To not lose sight of what is important. To be okay with less than perfect, except when it comes to being there for my kids. To be okay with eating a frozen lasagna (it's organic!) every day for lunch for awhile, and the piles of laundry that go unfolded and seem to grow exponentially. :)
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wendiDecember 20, 2014 at 8:55 PM
Amen, hey you. I've followed you on ig awhile, but finally reading your blog, this is soooo good. Thanks for this post. It is so relatable. And honestly, as I seen it nothing matters more than the time with your kids. You are a great momma.
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