to my baby boy on his one year birthday

12:16 PM


My sweetest boy,

In just a few hours it will be one year exactly since the moment I first heard you cry. The anesthesiologist put her hand on my shoulder and whispered "here he comes," I felt a tug and then... the most glorious sound I've ever heard - your lungs filling with air for the first time and your mouth screaming out for me. 
You came as a total surprise and for a while there I wasn't sure we were ready. I wasn't sure I was ready. Your sister was still so very young, we were in the middle of a move and I wasn't even sure my body could handle it. But little did I know I was carrying inside me the most gentle and patient spirit. A boy with the most giving and forgiving heart. From day one it's almost as if you were trying your darndest not to inconvenience us. You roll with the punches, you don't ask for much and you rarely ever complain.  But most of all you love us all so very much. 
Every morning you greet me with the biggest grin and as soon as I pick you up you wrap your little arms around my neck and nuzzle me as I carry you to our bed for a few morning snuggles. I think more than anything in the span on this one year you have taught me to be kinder to myself. It's as if you've been coaching me this whole time, telling me that it's going to be ok, we're going to figure this out... together. Whenever I would stumble on this journey with you, you would be there waiting for me patiently to gather myself and try again. And for that my darling boy I thank you from the bottom of my heart. This year wasn't easy and we had some really rough days but I wouldn't trade a single one of them for anything. 
And so as I put you down for a nap for the last time as a twelve month old I can't help but think about all the things I'm going to miss... I'm going to miss how tiny you were and those little chicken legs of yours. I'm going to miss the squeaks and newborn coos. I'm going to miss the way your skin smelled those first few weeks and the way you looked swaddled all tightly like a caterpillar. I'm going to miss breastfeeding you and the way you would always play with your ear while you nursed. I'm going to miss your tiny clothes... your tiny everything... I know we have so many wonderful adventures ahead of us but my mama heart just needs some time to mourn what will never be again because when it was it was so, so good. 
Thank you my angel for the most wonderful year. For coming into our family and making it brighter, lighter and happier. We couldn't imagine our life without you we love you to pieces!!

Love, hugs and some salty tears,

mama


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