thoughts vol. II7:50 AM
THINKING ABOUT: Last thursday night I breastfed my sweet baby boy for the last time. He's mostly eating solids now and taking a bottle a handful of times a day and taking into the consideration his issues with dairy and my other health issues I decided it was time. I nestled into the bed in the guest bedroom where he is currently sleeping and put him to the breast. I rubbed his head and kissed his cheek and tried so very hard to remember this moment. To remember the way he gulps and sort of hums while he eats. To remember the way he always has to be grasping something - my bra strap, the collar of my shirt or my favorite - my finger. To remember the way his body gets both heavier and limper the deeper he falls asleep. To remember the way we have made such a good team for almost eight months. To remember... it all. I felt knot in my throat form and the weight of the moment as it shocked and overwhelmed me. And all of sudden I could see it all again... I could feel my heart beating out of my chest, the bright lights and then... that cry. That unmistakable wail that could only belong to my darling boy and no one else. I could see us later too, him latching on for the first time and letting me know that "we've got this." And I cried. I cried so hard for this miracle baby that floored us with his coming and I cried for his gentle spirit that has always uplifted me even in the hardest months and I cried for all this love, for the way he united and bonded the four of us even more than we were before. It was hard and special and perfect and I pray to God I won't ever forget it.
FEELING: Quite a bit of pain. With Birdie my supply dried up long before she was done nursing so this is something new for me. I've sought the advice of the google gods and mommy forums and I've armed myself with a hefty head of cabbage. Yes, cabbage. Somehow it works?!! I will say daytime is bearable but nighttime has been tough, especially since I'm a stomach sleeper. I'm praying this is over soon and I get some relief. This weaning business is just the pits, you have to suffer physically and emotionally and then there's the whole cabbage thing on top of it. Yikes.
THANKFUL FOR: When I took a break from social media last week it wasn't just about "not looking," I physically deleted all the apps from my phone. By the second day I stopped carrying my phone around the house with me all day and would just leave it in our bedroom all day. It brought me back to the days of yore when if you had a moment of alone time or silence or were "waiting" whether it be in line at the grocery store or at the doctors office you just. sat. there. Alone with your thoughts. Honestly, sometimes I felt like I was getting to know myself all over again. Instead of constantly filling my time with what "everyone else is doing" I thought about what I want to do. That felt... dare I say refreshing?? I also found myself being thankful for the little things that I often don't notice - the warmth of Teddy's body first thing in the morning, the way the glass in the a picture frame reflects the trees in our backyard, the late afternoon light in the nursery or the sound of the woodpecker early in the morning.
EATING: So, not to keep riding this weaning train but!! I will admit I was pretty excited to be able to add dairy back into my diet again after eight months! So, on friday I had pizza and frozen yogurt and on saturday I had ice cream and by saturday night I had... a lot of pain. And bloating. And just generally feeling miserable. It was bad. And you know what?! It wasn't worth it. I thought all these things would taste sooooo good after being deprived for so long but my reaction was sort of meh. I don't know that this will be a lifelong thing but I think at least for right now I'm going to hop back on the dairy-free bandwagon.
LISTENING TO: Papa bear and I have been anxiously awaiting the arrival of My Morning Jacket's new album The Waterfall and now that it's out we can't stop listening to it. It's a slightly different sound then what we're used to but I love when a band can surprise me like that. I also love that it arrived just in time for the summer to. One of my favorite memories is when we went to one of their concerts the summer before we got pregnant with Birdie. It was a hot and muggy day in late August when we saw them in Virginia. We camped out on a lawn with cold drinks and corn on the cob and were so free. I remember being a little disappointed when it was over that they didn't play our favorite song but then Jim James came out for the encore and played it after all! It was the perfect ending to a perfect day, one I'll never forget.
WATCHING: I'm obsessed with the music video to Joy Williams' song "Woman." I was already in love with the song and playing it on repeat and the video was everything I wanted it to be and more. I cannot wait for the full album!
READING: I was in need of some comedic relief last week so I started Jim Gaffigan's book Food: A Love Story. So, so good. I kept driving Kevin crazy because I would bust out laughing while reading it to myself in bed. Of course then I just had to read it to him and basically I just ended up reading the whole thing out loud. The bit about oysters had me crying. I finally worked up the courage to try an oyster two years ago and I couldn't agree more with his assessment of the taste being akin to pneumonia. Yuck!!
LOVING: Being a mama to a two and a half year old little girl. Birdie is growing up into the most wonderful, fun, sweet and funny girl and I feel so lucky to get to witness it. I could have never imagined that it would be this good. You can pretty much have entire conversations with her now and she gets in these funny moods sometimes when she'll talk in a funny voice and she's just a joy to be around. I love observing how creative she is - seeing her draw, hearing her silly songs she sings to herself and watching her read book after book to herself. She even has "favwite" books now!! Childhood man... it's so, so good.