It's been a while since I had a good "everything is wrong" cry and so last night, sitting on the kitchen floor with a roll of paper towels, it felt just right. Ever since school started and life started to whiz by at lightening fast speed I've been trying to keep up with a smile on my face. Appointments, classes, lunches, sick pets and all and so much in between and I kept telling myself and everyone around me that I'm doing great! Really I am!!
And for the most part I am. But as my husband so kindly reminded me it's important for me to check in with myself, to allow myself to be vulnerable and yes, occasionally complain. I never want to be a burden, I always want to be the one telling everyone else it's all going to work out and the glass is half full and so on. But I'm learning this year that grace is putting down my confetti blaster and allowing someone else to tell me that it's going to be ok. And sometimes that involves copious amounts of tears.
Without even noticing it I allowed so much anxiety to creep into my days and nights. I began to feel the familiar feeling of drifting. Drifting away from my life and into those secret chambers of my mind always eager to confuse and deflate. It happens gradually, little pockets of disconnection here and there until days have gone by and I don't know what I've been doing or where I've been. Life breaks down into reflexes as most of my brain becomes absorbed in what-if scenarios.
So I am grateful for last night. For the opportunity to complain, to shed some hot tears and for the much needed reminder that nothing is collapsing and I am in fact doing my very best. And so I put the anxiety to bed, again, and quieted the voice that is always telling me to hurry and that it's never enough. Last night, under the fool moon, I reminded myself to trust my voice again and my place in the universe.
So today I will repeat as many times as necessary "I am exactly where I need to be. I am enough. I am doing enough. I am spreading kindness and love and that is all I have responsibility over. This day and all the moments in it is a gift."