theodore at one month9:11 PM
As I nursed our sweet one month old boy in the blueish glow of the early morning my heart swelled with feelings of gratitude and love. Yes I'm tired and irritable and I only wash my hair once a week (on a good week) but I've also never felt more complete, more in my element. These babies of mine, they need me so much and they take so much, but they give me back more love than I ever thought it was possible to have.
The night before, papa bear and I scrolled through photos of his first days with us and watched videos of him taking his first breaths and we sighed with disappointment because yet again those newborn days have vanished all too quickly. All those "firsts" are now memories - his cry is something familiar now and yet it inevitably always reminds me of the first time I heard it. It's such a "Teddy" cry, I feel like no baby on earth can possibly sound the way he does... He's bigger now too and heavier and yet I'll always remember just how tiny he was, it was almost awkward to attempt to hold his frail little body, chicken legs and all. The hats the gave us at the hospital that fit him just right are now comically small and have been relegated to "doggy's" closet (Birdie's lovie).
Life has continued to chug along and has picked up speed since those first weeks. I miss those first two weeks so much, when it felt like my world revolved around "us." It felt like his tiny warm body was still one with me, without the separation of the womb as he nursed almost constantly, and though it was exhausting I feel like it bonded us in a very special way. So many of those first hours were spent just gazing into his sweet face and wondering about what the future holds for us.
As the sun began to come up and papa bear left for work, Teddy loosened his grip around my pinky finger and began to doze off as he often does after a satisfying feed. His eyelids fluttered and his lips formed the most darling pout and would release little puffs of air every now and again. I held my breath and prayed that Birdie would sleep just a little longer so that I could have him all to myself. Once she wakes up the constant struggle of trying divide myself equally between the two begins so I soaked in the half an hour of quiet I had with him. I tried to memorize the way his eyes, nose, cheeks, ears, lips looked. I stroked his head covered in the fuzziest of hair and kissed his warm forehead. I myself began to doze off eventually and as his weight melted into my body I once again felt like we were one.
Pretty soon we'll dust off the bumbo seat and marvel at the way he "sits." We'll start solids and count the days until he can crawl, walk, talk... That's just how it is. But as much as I look forward to the future I do my best to cherish the present too because I have an almost two year old who is an example of just how quickly it all flies by. So right now I don't need him to hold his head up or lay on his tummy or sleep for longer than two hours. Right now I just need him to be my baby, exactly as he is, because he is perfect in every possible way.