I received an email the other day that reminded me of why I started blogging five years ago. That's right, I've been blogging on and off for over five years. I've stopped and started for different reasons though the more I thought about it the more I realized that the times I stopped I did it because I lost my spirit and a lot of the courage I naturally have. My voice would get quiet and at times be suffocated altogether.
When I started this blog this past fall I started from a different place and with different intentions. The goal was to write again the same way I had when I was a newbie. And slowly but surely I've been doing just that. However, this person with their kind and honest words gave me a much needed dose of courage that I've been lacking. Courage to speak and write from my heart with my voice. The years of maligning by others and the general ups and downs of blogging had watered me down to a fairly bland and boring version of myself. I would have moments where I would feel the old me pouring out onto my keyboard but I would swiftly sweep away all those letters until something vanilla and unoffensive remained.
You see I am not everything you may have surmised that I am. I am complicated, messy, sometimes sad and often happy. I am loud and opinionated (for goodness sake it's sort of prerequisite of the psychological field so you know... I like to think I know things). I am contradictory and often utterly ridiculous. But I've also gotten to experience a lot of crazy things over the course of this life - I've lived on three different continents, I've met so many fascinating people, I've tried so many things and I've been so many different people. I'm learning and growing every day and that in and of itself is something I'm deeply committed to. So it's not all outfits and cakes and pretty pictures - I have thoughts, feelings, opinions and beliefs. And sometimes these thoughts are stupid, irrational and all over the place. And sometimes (more often I hope) they're probably not. Sometimes they're not half bad.
Perhaps some of you have no interest in hearing that (probably all of you...) and that's perfectly fine. Perhaps some of you will at one point or another disagree with my thoughts, feelings, opinions and beliefs. That's totally fine as well. But I feel like if I continue covering my mouth with my hand every time I attempt to write something in this space, that to me is a journal of sorts, then this is no longer the space I want it to be.
I blog because I believe that with blogging on my mind I see beauty everywhere I look, I document moments that would otherwise be relegated to the deep recesses of my mind and often forgotten and because writing is something so integral to my life and this has been the most successful way of getting my thoughts down (unsuccessful methods include the two dozen journals in my house with about six entries in them each). And I wouldn't be honest with you if I didn't say that a large part of it is because I enjoy sharing all this with you (I will never lie and tell you "I just started this for my pet rock and cat and then ohmygoodnessfivebillionpeoplestartedreadingohmygod!!"). If it was just for me then all those journals would be full of writing. But they're not. And most importantly I blog because of the dear souls that I have been blessed with knowing since I started this journey five years ago. There are so many people (may of whom probably don't even know it) that have deeply touched and affected me. I hope you know that I cherish every kind word. There are comments, emails and tweets that are years old and I still remember from time to time and I smile when I do. I've learned so much about the beauty of human nature from this community - the way you share in our joys, sorrows and successes. You have the biggest hearts and I feel so honored to know each and every single one of you.
And so I want to make a commitment today to have the courage to share what's truly on my mind even if I don't think all of you will agree with me, even if none of you care. Because if I've learned anything in these five years it's that you never know how what you share on this space will affect someone. And just as I am committed to bettering myself I think it only fair to share the steps of this journey with you. Because I believe that together we can make each other better.