Last September I looked like I was carrying a pumpkin. I think Birdie was actually only the size of a small squash or something like that but it sure didn't look that way on the outside. We went apple picking and I dragged around a bag full of apples the size of my belly. I tried to imagine next year and I saw faint images of a baby frolicking through the orchard. A faceless, nameless baby of course. I would close my eyes and try harder, try to see his or her face. I couldn't.
I also couldn't imagine the sheer glee that would light up on Birdie, my daughter's, face when papa bear lifted her up high enough to reach all the apples. I couldn't imagine the way she would widen her eyes and lift those legendary brows of hers with amazement as she pulled out yet another apple out of the bag. The way she timidly would wrap her chubby warm fingers around an apple on the tree and tug ever so gently, hoping it would snap off the branch. The fearless way she would crawl amongst the trees and fallen fruit, babbling to herself with excitement. I could have never imagined all this.
As she sat in the grass with her bag of apples while mama and papa collected more a couple in their fifties walked up to her. They gazed at her and told her how cute and darling she was. And then the husband turned to us and said, his voice cracking: "This is our first time apple picking without our kids. The oldest one's in college now. I remember how we used to come every year. I remember coming when they were just this small. Cherish these times. Please. They really do go by too fast... Promise me you'll cherish this?" It was almost awkward the way the pain in his voice intersected with our joy in that moment and yet that is the essence of parenting - joy and pain forever intertwined. Because the second you celebrate something new you also mourn the loss of what was. She's standing and crawling and sitting (hooray!) but she'll never be that tiny wrinkly newborn again... She's almost talking and babbling (yay!!) but she'll never coo the way she used to when she was just an infant...
And so we make memories so we can cherish. Cherish these precious, fleeting moments.
^ that's not even all of them, about half actually... ^
^ autumn appearing around our house ^
I don't know about you but this week disappeared into thin air for me. Perhaps it was the fact that we came back from DC on monday which meant I was unpacking and doing laundry well into tuesday. I also feel like there was a lot of running around but then in the end I was like - "but what did I do??" Eh, get em' next time I suppose. Tuesday night the low was 30 degrees so the next morning we pulled boxes full of our winter clothes out of the shed and dispersed them around the house. Goodness the house was a mess - boots, hats, coats and sweaters littered every surface of every room. But by the end of the day I somehow got it all put away. I also learned I have a lot, like a lot a lot of hats. I don't call myself a hat aficionado for nothing!
To be honest with you there's been a big old sack of "stuff" that's been weighing on my mind, distracting me and keeping me from doing what I need/want. This "stuff" is connected to so much other "stuff" so I suppose mentally I've been putting everything off until it get's dealt with and figured out. But once we get a hold of this weasel I am going to start over. I've always liked this quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald - “Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall," and I think now is as good a time as any to do just that.
drinking: trader joe's harvest blend tea (try it it's phenomenal!)
practicing: patience, something I've always been lacking
mastering: my camera, I'm determined to get the most out of it this year
learning: that things don't always work out perfectly but that's ok
playing: with my baby on the floor
finishing: some writing
reading: jim gaffigan's dad is fat
walking: through the woods out back
wearing: hunter boots, these come back in heavy rotation once things get cool
cooking: lots of soups - tomato, mushroom and butternut squash
working: on a million things at once, probably not the most efficient way of getting anything done
traveling: to a few places, tentatively
wanting: to have more faith
And speaking of faith I keep reading this over and over again:
“I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”
― T.S. Eliot
Have a wonderful weekend my dears & here's to starting over, albeit in the fall!
Have you guys ever had those Trader Joe's mini chocolate biscotti? My goodness those things are the death of me! I can power through a whole box in one sitting. Well, not can, did this past weekend. So I decided instead of continuing to pay for something that had become an addiction why not figure out how to make it myself. And after I had read the ingredient list on the box (so easy!) I knew I could find a similar recipe.
I tracked down this Williams-Sonoma recipe on their website that sounded almost identical to the TJ's ingredient list. The only thing I didn't have was hazelnuts so I used macadamia nuts instead (hey nuts are nuts right??). I also was too lazy to dip them in chocolate though that did sound disgustingly decadent.
In the end these were ridiculously easy to make. If anything they just take a long time to bake (close to two hours) but they've been my yummy tea time snack all week so I'm not complaining!
4 oz. semisweet chocolate, coarsely chopped
1 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
1 3/4 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa, preferably Dutch
1 1/2 Tbs. instant espresso powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
3 eggs
1 1/4 tsp. vanilla extract
1/2 tsp. almond extract
1 cup macadamia nuts coarsely chopped
Preheat an oven to 300ºF. Line a large baking sheet with parchment paper or waxed paper.
In a food processor fitted with the metal blade, combine the chocolate and brown sugar and process until the chocolate is very fine; set aside.
Sift together the flour, cocoa, espresso powder, baking soda and salt into a bowl; set aside. In a large bowl, combine the eggs, vanilla extract and almond extract. Using an electric mixer set on medium speed, beat to blend. Reduce the speed to low and mix in the sugar and flour mixtures until a stiff dough forms, adding the macadamia nuts when the dough is about half mixed.
On a floured surface, divide the dough in half. Form each half into a log 12 inches long. Transfer the logs to the prepared baking sheet, spacing them well apart, and pat to even the shapes. Bake until almost firm to the touch, about 50 minutes (logs will spread during baking). Remove from the oven and let cool for 10 minutes. Leave the oven set at 300ºF.
Using a spatula, carefully transfer the logs to a work surface. Using a serrated knife, cut logs on the diagonal into slices 1/2 to 3/4 inch thick. Arrange the slices, cut side down, on the baking sheet. Bake for 25 minutes. Turn the slices over and bake until crisp and dry, about 25 minutes more. Turn off the oven and let the biscotti cool completely in the oven with the door slightly ajar.
Store in an airtight container in the refrigerator for up to 2 weeks.
The weather this past Sunday was like something out of a dream - bright, cool and just enough of a breeze every now and again. It also, I thought, warranted a pair of socks to play double duty - to hide my already pale legs (was Florida really three months ago???) and to keep my legs warm. I really like socks. I have them in every color, every length, every style. I'm kind of passionate about them now that I think about it. I think most people buy them as a necessity, like toilet paper (don't you just HATE buying toilet paper?? also why must it be so expensive??? stupid), but I buy them to make me happy. It's kind of running joke with my close friends and family that I can always be relied upon to have extra socks. Oh and did you notice these have some snazzy wooden buttons on them??? Amazing.
...
By the way, in case you're wondering I don't just laugh at parked cars on the street, that would be pretty strange insane. You see Valentina is now at the age where she's not cool with just chilling in the car while we take the photos, she wants to be an active participant!! And this kid is forever killing me with her faces! Perhaps next time I'll snap a few of my audience ;).
^ we learned how to drink from a straw this weekend!! ^
^ introducing Birdie to my favorite animal - the elephant! ^
^ we are all about the bears in this family ;) ^
I got a little emotional looking at these photos... Birdie's very first trip to the zoo... These days as parents we take a million photos and videos of our kids every day. Some could possibly be deemed repetitive or unnecessary (blasphemy!!). And yet every once in a while you come across a couple dozen that just make you think - that's it. Those are the photos they will like to look at, that you will reminisce with, that they'll show their boyfriend one day. Some photos just capture a moment - a golden ray of happiness that you want to bottle up and keep forever.
I hope I do a good job here of showing a balanced picture of our life, of letting you know that not every day is flowers and sunshine. In fact, the daily grind wears us out like it does anyone - the messes, the lack of sleep, the work piling up, the endless errands, the sick days, the bad days, the long days... And there's not to say that there aren't little sparkles of joy even in those days - a piece of toast with an extra thick layer of Nutella, morning cuddles with a giggly chubby baby, a kiss that lingers... But I think we can all admit that monday through friday we're just trying to do our best and get it done. And it ain't always pretty.
And then there are days like Sunday. Days when the weather is glorious, the sun shines, the breeze blows... The baby naps on schedule. The hair gods grant you a good hair day. You laugh and smile so much your mouth is sore. You feel alive. And you feel happy but even more than happy, you feel at peace and grateful. You gather your family around you and you just melt into that embrace, into the comfort and love that oozes out around you until you're all one giant puddle of bliss.
I'm not living for a destination, for a moment when we will supposedly "have it all." I'm living for now. For days like Sunday that fill your cup until it overflows and make you realize how truly blessed you are and will burn inside of you and breath life into you when on wednesday the raccoons get into the trash (AGAIN), when you forget to wash the diapers, when you have a headache and the house is a wreck... You can reach inside and pull out that memory and live in a that blissful moment again.
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