waxing crescent

5:31 PM

It feels fitting that the moon is a waxing crescent on the eve of my birthday. Had you told me ten years ago that I would write a sentence like that I would have rolled my eyes so hard they would probably still be in the back of my head. But times change and we change and it seems that I'm getting weirder with age (I've also acquired a bevy of gray hairs this year so that's where we're at). But back to the moon. According to several sources the waxing crescent moon is believed to be a time of great creativity, growth, intention and goal setting and a time for meditation and focusing energy towards goals or passions. And I am here for this. For the first time in a long time I feel ready, I feel inspired, open and so ready for wherever this new year of my life may take me.
I'll be honest, this past year has been without a doubt my toughest yet. To say it was challenging wouldn't do it justice because it downright broke me. But as it turns out sometimes you need to be broken in order to rebuild. I can only hope and believe that the rebuilding will result in myself becoming stronger, perhaps a bit wiser but also softer. The process has required challenging a lot of beliefs about myself that I was hanging onto for security that not only were wrong but were also destructive. It's meant taking everything apart, sifting through it piece by piece and keeping what is true and good and useful and discarding of what was negative and harmful. Often it's been some of my most cherished beliefs that have turned out to some of the most damning and deterrents to growth. It's been gritty work but it's felt good as well. Incredibly rewarding and centering, it has felt like a coming-home of sorts.
A lot of it has involved forgiveness as well. I am without a doubt my own harshest critic. I've operated the majority of my adult life under the premise of "it's never enough." I am forever behind, forever less talented, motivated, creative and just about anything you can attach a "less-than" tag to. But of course it was actually my security blanket and what allowed me to stay in this space instead of venturing out, taking a risk that I may be disappointed, hurt, let-down or worse. So I am working on learning to forgive myself for the past but not dwell in shame and instead use the forgiveness as a way to close the door on that particular chapter and move on. Because shame is what keeps us stuck but true forgiveness is what propels us forward.
And forward I go, into uncharted waters, eyes open and heart soft. I want to believe in my own goodness and that it will guide me to a place where I can truly flourish. I want to believe in the goodness of others and that kind people abound ready to support and walk with us and those that can't just need more grace or time (just not from or with us). I want to believe in the goodness of the universe and that it does truly have my back. I've been too quick to believe that the universe is a cruel mistress only handing out pain and suffering (and she does, often) but she's also capable of beauty and magic and I need to always hold onto that. I want to learn to have room for pain and love and wonder and good and to accept it all with open arms.

Here's a passage from a book that is currently changing my life:

"Sometimes the one who is running from the Life/Death/Life nature insists on thinking of love as a boon only. Yet love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many endings, and many many beginnings- all in the same relationship.” 

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