illustration by Anna Bond

I've been mulling over something in my mind for a while now. I've gone back and forth about whether I should write about it, feeling at times that perhaps I am alone in this perspective, perhaps this is only my personal experience. Yet time and time again little slivers revealed here and there by different women have continued to make this topic tug at my heartstrings. And often speaking about something that gets little attention is sometimes the most important thing we can do. So here we go...
It hasn't been sitting well with me, this idea that having a newborn is nothing short of a transcendental, fairytale-like and exhilarating experience. The superlatives are numerous and everything is filtered through the oft sought "newborn haze." Sounds delightful! Do pockets like that exist? Absolutely and they truly are wondrous. Are they constant and is the newborn experience exclusively magical? Certainly not, and I think most mother's would agree with me on that. So I want to spend some time talking about the non-glamours/blogworthy/photogenic part of the newborn experience because lord knows we already have plenty of those. And I think we should continue to share that aspect of it as well since after all we can all agree that it is so very much worth it despite it all. Those memories are great to put in a pretty book and tie it up with a nice big bow. But there's also the reality of the experience, the humanity of the experience and that side of it isn't always pretty.
My first experience with bringing a newborn home was mostly filled with terror. Terror and pain. Massive, monstrous, swallow-you-whole type pain. Nothing was easy; neither sleeping, nor breastfeeding nor sitting. It was frightening. Frightening because of the degree to which this tiny human relied on me. Frightening to be this ill, this broken. I felt like I was living outside of myself. I felt lonely, scared and disappointed. All those months of hypnobirthing classes and my baby entered this world surrounded by my shrieking and tears. It wasn't at all how I thought it would be and how I tried so very hard to make it be. It was painful and hard and disappointing and occasionally the pain would be dormant long enough for me to marvel at this being that ripped me apart mere days ago and think "this is wonderful." I'm talking minutes, not hours.
Let's isolate the lack of sleep thing for a minute though. I often see a brief mention here and there like "oh gosh I haven't sleep in days hahaha" here and there as evidence of honesty and authenticity. It's still all very light and anecdotal though. But it's not a joke. Do people realize that sleep deprivation has been used a form of torture? That studies came out just last year comparing the mental impairment that one suffers from lack of sleep to being drunk? That doctor's lose their licenses over mistakes that they made on their patients from lack of sleep. It's not a joke. It's frightening to see how poorly you start to function when you are running on an hour or two of sleep. You make poor decisions, you're not yourself, you create arguments for arguments sake with the people you love the most and if that's what the "newborn haze" is then it's a very murky, dark and confusing "haze." So when I see people mention that they haven't slept I simply equate that with the fact that they are operating on a level of a barely evolved mammal. At best.
Let me pause here and explain a little bit more about why I feel it's important to talk about this. I think it's important because we are all dealing with it. It's important because what is helpful, supportive and encouraging is not hearing someone wax poetic about just how soft their newborn's feet are (I know, good, moving on) but hearing someone say "I'm scared too, I'm sad too, I'm in pain too." When we unite over our joint hardship and choose to bear each other's fears, sadness and worries that is when we are truly at our best, that is when we are being helpful. To say to one another it's ok to be scared because I'm here to hold your hand. I'm not here to even tell you that it will be ok or get better, I'm just here to say it sucks. In my experience those words are sometimes the most comforting of all. The simple admission of the reality of a situation is sometimes all we need to bring us back from the depths of despair. So I'm telling you that I was terrified, it did hurt, I didn't know what I was doing, I was lost and helpless and alone. And it sucks, it really does.
Because when we suppress or ignore the fact that something is hard, painful or terrifying we unwittingly devalue another person's experience. I remember when I struggled with breastfeeding the first time around and finally gave it up. Reading other women's poetic accounts of their wonderful experience made me feel like I was less than, I had messed up somehow. I was bad. I was wrong. And even still when I read birth stories that glaze over the reality of how painful and horrifying childbirth can be it makes me feel as if there must be something wrong with me - I am weak, bad, negative, lazy, etc. It makes you feel as if there is only one way to birth, feed and grow a child. I must just be a bad person if I felt all those things and I couldn't just look past the pain to see how magical and angelic the presence of this tiny creature is. I did sometimes, just not all the time, and not exclusively. Like I said there were pockets of clarity.
And the second time around wasn't any easier. Though my recovery was better, Teddy's reflux coupled with a very needy toddler made for an equally terrifying experience. I read about "quiet baskets" and bribery but some days were pure madness no matter what I tried. So much screaming and crying and wanting to run away. It was tough. It was lonely. It was terrifying. And for someone that had never been hospitalized before having children I can never get over all the tubes, stitches, medications, pain and discomfort that inevitably comes as a result of it every time. Those first few weeks when my mum left and my husband went back to work were not spent jointly cooing over the baby. They were spent surviving.
So I'm writing this for all those mama's that are holed up in a bedroom somewhere with their newborn, scared out of their minds. Your stitches may be bothering you, you may be feeling icky from all the meds you are on, breastfeeding may not be working, your toddler may be having a massive tantrum and you can't stop crying. Listen - this sucks. You want to just dote and love on this baby and twirl around the nursery in some billowy confection and sing lullabies but you're not and it sucks. But trust me when I tell you this - YOU ARE DOING GREAT. You love that baby. It may not feel that way sometimes but you do, fiercely. You are not a bad mom. You didn't do anything wrong. Your body and brain are in crisis mode. You are doing the very best you can. But remember:

- Ask for help if it gets too hard. If it feels like too much or too heavy.
- Take breaks. Make sure the baby can take a bottle so that you can take a break from all the feeding. I remember Teddy used to cluster feed for two or three hours straight sometimes and it would practically make me go mad.
- Have a "safe" person who you can talk to about anything. Even the ugly stuff. Vent, unload, cry, commiserate.
- Don't minimize anything to do with your health. Nothing is normal. Better be safe than sorry and that is what your midwife or OBGYN is for. I think there is this misconception that care stops with delivery when in fact there is so much more care that is required after.
- Go outside. We would go on several walks every day and I found them so incredibly restorative not to mention just getting out of the house can make you feel normal and human again.

I just wanted to put this out there for anyone feeling lonely or less than. For you to know that you are not alone, not abnormal and not less than. We're all in this together and for 100% of women there are only two ways for that little angel to come out and just from a physics perspective there is no way it's going to be painless or easy. So remember pretty much all of us tore, got stitches, IVs, meds, cold packs and nipple cream. And once again, lest anyone forget - we ALL love our babies very, very much.  And it really is all worth it.

*image by Morgan Blake Photography

birdie: we are learning consequences and being sorry for our actions lately. We have to keep telling her that "teddy doesn't know what he's doing" when he pulls her hair or takes away a toy of hers. Well she decided to incorporate this into her own vocabulary so she'll often say "I don't know not to hit. I sorry." Breaks. My. Heart!!
teddy: this sweet boy is somehow becoming more affectionate with time and I couldn't be more thrilled!

birdie: everyone kept telling me three is such a fun age and now that we're just a few months away I totally get it. The best!!
teddy: even when he's not teething he's putting absolutely everything in his mouth. He is determined to spread his slobber everywhere...

birdie: thanks in part to daniel tiger's neighborhood she has started cleaning up her toys and making her bed regularly and you guys it is the most amazing thing!!
teddy: i have a feeling getting rid of the paci with this guy is going to be a fight...

Hey mama! Yeah, you, the one wearing sunglasses inside a grocery store at 2 pm with yogurt, spit up and deodorant stains on the sweatshirt you've been wearing for three days in a row. The one who has become so well acquainted with the bathroom in your house you practically consider it a spa at this point. The one who loses count of the number of cups of coffee she drinks throughout the day to ensure she doesn't fall asleep standing up. The one who raises her voice at two precious angels that try her patience more than she thought humanly possible and then guilt trips herself into a dreamless sleep every night. The one that hasn't eaten a hot meal since her mama left when baby number two was a week old. The one that utters the prayer "God bless topknots for being in right now" every single morning religiously, without fail.

It's going to get easier, I swear.

One day the baby will feed himself a bottle as he goes down for his morning two hour nap. One day your toddler will play with blocks for hour and only occasionally request a snack. One day you will hear silence again and remember just how wonderful it sounds. One day you will have clean hair and will wear something other than sweatpants because you will actually have more than thirty six seconds to get dressed. One day you will cook yourself lunch and eat it while it's still hot. Your toddler will be able to do things like give the baby his pacifier and tell you that he's eating the crayons, again. One day you won't feel like you're climbing mount everest and crying all the way up only to wake up and it's groundhog day - you're back at the bottom again.
One day you will wear a pretty bra again that makes you feel sexy. And speaking of which, one day you won't be too tired for sex. One day you will buy a book and read it before it accumulates a thick layer of dust. You will write again and dream again and feel like yourself again. You will even have thoughts enter your mind like "Hmmm... I wonder if this candidate is really fit to be president" interject itself into the usually barrage of "laundry, do dishes, did I defrost the meat, put your panties back on birdie, teddy no you can't eat dog food, did I pay the electric bill, get wipes to clean up spill, no baby please don't paint your hands purple, teddy no..."
One day you will look at your two children playing and your dog snoring next to them and you will think to yourself "We survived!!! We made it!!" You will have confetti spraying out of your eyes in the form of tears. You will want to buy balloons and toot a horn but instead you will pour yourself a generous amount of m&m's in a bowl and watch the Barefoot Contessa chop an onion and you will feel like you won the lottery. Because that day, many moons ago, is never far from your mind....
The day you called your mum from the car with two screaming babies in the backseat. You sobbed and sobbed and she just listened. Finally you managed to croak through the tears "I can't... I caaaan't... I can't do this muuuuuummmmmyyyyyy" Your tears have completely soaked your pajama pants and you hear a strong and calming voice tell you through the phone "Don't cry baby. You're fine. Call Kevin, immediately. Come home. Step away. Take a breath. Get a sitter. You're fine. You're doing great." You somehow get home. You hand over the keys to your husband, hands shaking. You walk around the block. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. You come home. He's still screaming. You turn on the sound machine and lock yourself in the guest room. More deep breaths. Your mind is blank. You see nothing. Hear nothing. A gentle knock shocks you back to reality. He has to go back to work. You take his now quiet and heavy body and pull him close. He's hot and sweaty from all the screaming and blinks, innocently at you. You squeeze him tighter. You're sorry, you'll figure this out together. We'll try again. It's ok. We'll be ok. I think.
And so every day you all cry just a little less. Then one day you stop crying. You feel a little stronger, a little taller. You're doing this. One day your toddler stops crying too. She gets it. She's trying too. Fairly soon he just cries when he's tired or hungry, doesn't scream any more, and those cries can be quelled easily. You're doing this. You're really doing this. One day you find yourself smiling, you're having fun. You're laughing and playing. You're having dance parties and giggles start to replace the screaming and the crying. You're doing this!!! We're doing this!
Then one day you realize you did it. You reached the light at the end of the tunnel one tear, dirty diaper, m&m, nap and bottle at a time. You feel like a champion. You begin planning birthday parties and you know that you'll be celebrating more than just the passage of time. You'll be celebrating the fact that together we did the seemingly impossible. And you know what? We're all better for it. I learned that I can be more patient, forgiving, strong and resilient than I thought. My toddler learned that sometimes she has to wait and she will [GASP] live ever if she doesn't get what she wants "wight nawwwww!!!" And baby? Well I hope he learned that we're all just trying our best and love him more than he'll ever know.
And so mama I see you. In my mind I'm giving you a fist bump because YOU ARE DOING IT. It may not feel like it right now, you may even feel like you're drowning, but I'm on the other side of the river and I can tell you from where I stand you are not drowining at all - you are swimming. You are swimming so beautifully it's a practically a work of art. Yes, dirty sweatpants and all. Head down you swim lap after lap making sure your babies are fed, clothed and yes even happy!! So remember, you'll reach the other side sooner than you think and trust me you feel more satisfaction and accomplishment than you've ever experienced. So keep going and know that you've done good. So, so good. Just look at those babies. They ADORE you!!

I am so terribly behind on this project but instead of playing catch up with two months worth of photos I will just post for the last two weeks instead.

teddy: we dealt with a horrible bout of teething at the beginning of the summer but the result is seven teeth!!
birdie: she never got comfortable in any of her beds on vacation but at grandma and grandpa's house she slept like angel. Go figure.

Here’s a little confession – Teddy still doesn’t sleep through the night. There I said it. I feel like it's such an embarrassing thing to admit, like I'm such a failure because honestly who's ten month old still doesn't sleep through the night??? What that translates into for us is the fact that we are still more or less zombies most days. We’ve tried everything under the sun and given his acid reflux I just don’t have the heart to do full blown CIO since when he cries a lot he starts to cough and borderline throw up. I just can’t do it. Everything else just hasn’t worked. At this point it’s easier to just accept this current state and not worry about what we should be doing. However, that doesn’t mean that every minute of every day I don’t pine for the day that he sleeps as soundly as Birdie does. It’s going to get easier, right? And so we wait...
We wait for them to grow out of being a newborn so we can sleep again. We wait for them to sit up so that they can entertain themselves more. We wait for them to start eating (mistakenly thinking that will make things easier though instead it always makes me yearn for the bottle days). We wait for them to walk, talk, grow out of diapers... So much waiting.
But then something one of my husband's co-workers said to him the other day stopped me in my tracks. He's a father of four and he said this "When I think about having young kids I feel like you're always waiting for things to get easier but what you fail to notice is that life is happening amidst all the waiting." How painfully true... Yes, newborns are difficult. Lack of sleep is difficult. Balancing a baby and toddler is difficult. Changing diapers on two kids is not easy. But this certainly isn't everything that makes up having young children. Perhaps it is our fried brains that seem to zero in on the negative and the difficult and take for granted the wonderful.
I started looking at everything differently since hearing this. When cradling Teddy at 2 am while feeding him I made sure to enjoy his sleepy grunts and the warmth of his sweet little hands. I noticed the weight of his body and the way the fluff of his hair feels up against my arm. Because there will be more babies in this house one day but Teddy will never be like this again - ten months old and a ball of unbridled affection and energy. And when I'm wrangling him for yet another diaper change I marvel at the way his body has grown and changed but also at those few lingering features from when he was a newborn. I have a new appreciation for his clingy days as his headstrong sister never has those anymore and I would give anything to carry her in my arms all day. And when he cries or Birdie whines I try to remember that one day I will give anything for them to need me this way again.
So yes, I am tired and sometimes spend all day counting the hours until bedtime but it feels so good to be reminded that one day all I will have from these days are pictures and my heart will ache for them again. This our season of life with littles and it's a great one though not an easy one. But let's be honest - it never really gets that easy? So I suppose I better focus on the good, overlook the bad and cherish the wonderful. And life is funny in that when you decide to look for the positive you start to realize that all along there has actually been an abundance of it, just waiting for you to take notice.

Hi! How are you?! I can't believe it's almost been a month since I lasts wrote here, it wasn't my intention. It's been a busy summer but a good one. Lots of traveling, seeing family, lots of firsts and lasts (as in our trip back to the cabin last week). But I finally unpacked the suitcase on Friday and this morning papa bear headed back to work, a class full of brand new ninth graders awaiting him. So it's just the three of us again, back to our routine. And I suppose in a way it feels good. I can feel the promise of autumn hanging in the air and the first yellow leaves have begun to pop up on the sidewalks.
Teddy is down for his first nap of the day and Birdie is busy turning her playroom upside down. The house is fairly quiet save for Belle's snores and the buzzing of insects outside the window, reminding me that summer still has a few more weeks left. Much to my chagrin, honestly, as I am oh so tired of this blistering heat. And shorts and sleeveless shirts. I've always been a sweaters and boots girl.
I have a batch of dough almost ready to be baked into a loaf of bread and overripe bananas that need to be turned into muffins. I'll get to those in a minute. But first, I've been thinking of writing a post about "this" or "that" and I just don't ever seem to get to it so instead I decided to write down anything that's been floating around. So here it is, in no particular order:
- We're currently knee deep in RHOOC, RHONY and House of Cards. They're all so good in their own ways. As far as RHONY I thought the best thing to happen to the show was the return of Bethenny (and it has been a riot to have her back) but then the Countess went ahead and bestowed this gold upon us and well... my year was made. As far as RHOOC, I can't say it's my favorite season but I feel like I grew up with Vicki and Tamra so they will always have my heart. Also, I'm really not a fan of the new girl (what is with her voice???). And last but not least House of Cards has been blowing my mind this season. Especially loving all the episodes directed by Robin Wright.
- I decided that instead of waiting until I have time to read an entire book from beginning to end I'll just read as much as I can from whatever books I'm interested in at the moment and just see what happens. Currently I'm in the middle of: Go Set A Watchman, Hausfrau, After Birth and Skin Cleanse. Have you read any of these? What do you think? I didn't even realize how much I missed Harper Lee's writing until I got into Go Set A Watchman, it's such a pleasure to read that I find myself only reading a page or two before going back and re-reading it just to make sure I soak it all in.
- I've been listening to the following three albums on repeat: Joy Williams Venus, Kacey Musgraves Pageant Material, and Ryn Weaver's The Fool (watch this video, love the song and the video had me crying my eyes out). I wrote a bit about the effect "Venus" had on me back when it was first released on my instagram account. I've loved Kacey for a long time but she really outdid herself with this album. Besides the fact that it's musically brilliant her lyrics are just perfect. Here's a bit from one of my favorite tracks: