sunnies - warby parker, top - j.crew, pants - target, bag - j.crew, shoes - target
Yep, I am still living in these maternity pants. They're as close as one can get to maternity leggings and so any time we go out they're my number one choice. I also love this top I picked up at the J. Crew outlet in Orlando. The length is perfect and it's still roomy enough to fit my bump. These two items are always in the laundry at the end of the week because of how often I wear them.  On another note moving is proving to be a lot more difficult than I initially expected. I really hate when the stress of it all gets to me because I'm not ok with it clouding the gratitude and excitement that we feel over getting this opportunity to try something new. But it does. If I have to look at another posting on realtor.com I'm sure I'll vomit. All the houses have started to blur together and still none of them are screaming "hoooooomeee" yet. We're heading back to Atlanta later this week to take another stab at finding something. Time is running out and that's not to mention that I haven't even begun to pack! Sometimes I can't fall asleep for hours because my mind is racing with all of the things we have yet to do.  But in the end it's all good stress. I'm so excited about all the new adventures that await us this year - from discovering a new city to bringing a new life into our family. It's all going to come with its own challenges but I think that's what makes life interesting!
I just keep telling myself to buckle up and take it one day at a time!

As I lay in bed writing this tonight I am consciously averting my eyes from the mess all around me. An empty milk truck next to my nightstand, a day old diaper on my nightstand, bags and socks and dirty clothes. The kitchen sink is full of dishes and half eaten food, the living room is a land mine covered in tiny toys that I will probably step on in the middle of the night while getting my nightly glass of water. In the refrigerator sit two lonely steaks that were never cooked and there are take-out boxes on the dinner table. Bedtime was a fight because we were selfish and lazy and kept Birdie out too late (she missed her beloved nightly bath, shame on us).
That's the wreckage, so to speak. But the thing is what this doesn't show is that time this afternoon when she cuddled up in bed next to me while I looked at houses and fed me blueberries while I fed her cheddar bunnies. It doesn't show the time we colored together on the bathroom floor while I was attempting to do my hair. Or the way she "read" her books to me. Or the way she stole the show at dinner, making friends with every single table around us by collecting tortilla chips like a squirrel at a park. And it doesn't show the pure glee this child experienced over ice cream after dinner and getting to chase the birds, all the while globs of ice cream dripping down her arm. But why is it that this is not what I fixate on at the end of the day??
I've been wanting to read All Joy and No Fun by Jennifer Senior and my interest was especially piqued when I read in a review that she discusses the way men end up enjoying parenting more partly due to the less stringent expectations they place on themselves. That makes so much sense to me. In a culture that's so wrapped up in goals, accomplishments, lists, accolades and advice it's easy to turn parenting into the most draconically graded assignment you've ever had. And of course we always find ourselves coming up short. The to do lists on my notepad always look tidy and doable but the never ending ones in my head are utterly ridiculous. Every morning I wake up with a laundry list of things I desire to accomplish that day and when I predictably fail at more than half of them I instinctively crumple up that day and throw it away.
And how sad is that? When did it become about tidiness, timeliness, rightness, perfection and so on and so forth? So I baked cookies instead of making an actual dinner as I had planned? Is that really that terrible especially considering how much fun Birdie had helping me? So the peonies I planned on displaying in our sparkling home once back from vacation instead sit on a table smeared with yogurt and covered in mail and unpacked groceries? Does that make them any less pretty? Does the fact that I didn't check off every box, make every person happy and solve all the problems make this day any less wonderful?
I know in my heart the answer is no but why does my head convince me of the opposite all too often? I think the best and biggest lesson being a parent is teaching me is to let go. To grade myself with a little more grace. To know the difference between perfect and good. And to know that smiles and hugs are worth so much more than clean floors and done dishes when it's all said and done.
This post is brought to you by sitting in front of my computer late at night with so many thoughts floating about. Perhaps tomorrow I won't make such big plans for myself and who knows maybe I'll actually end up enjoying it even more???

After spending one week in New Smyrna Beach we headed to Orlando for another week. While there we had a chance to explore the Winter Park area and I am so glad we did! It was full of charming little restaurants and cafes like Coop which we frequented twice while there! It was that good! I thought I'd put together a list of places that we tried and loved in case you are in the area and are looking to get away from the hustle and bustle of the theme parks around Kissimmee. 

• Coop - a very relaxed but beautiful space that has killer chicken and waffles and genuine southern fried chicken with all the fixins!!
• Rifle Paper Company - their only shop is down a quiet little street and it's the most darling space chock full of their beautiful stationary. 
• Le Macaron - bakeries selling macarons are popping up everywhere these days but that doesn't mean they're all good. This place is the real deal with really fun flavors like basil white chocolate.
• Jimmy Hulas - this place isn't on Park Avenue but it's still considered Winter Park. This place is totally worth a gander - phenomenal tacos and two words: zucchini fries!!!
• Brandywine Books - this used bookstore is tiny but it has some gems if you're willing to take the time to poke around there for a while. They have a lovely collection of vintage children's books too. 
• Hillstone Restaurant - we're big fans of any of the Hillstone restaurants in this family for their consistency and just really, really good food. This particular one has a gorgeous location right on the water with plenty of outdoor seating complete with fans but you can take in the views from indoors too. Try the spinach artichoke dip - you will be hooked!
• Tugboat & the Bird - perfect little children's store with unique toys and they stock Blabla dolls!

So after you gotten your fill of magic at Disney make sure to check out these places! It totally changed our impression of Orlando.

P.S. Huge thanks to Tina for all the great recommendations! Make sure to check out her lovely blog and instagram!

Sometimes you get a post in your head that no matter how hard you try to dismiss writing it just won't stop tugging at your sleeve. I suppose it's partially because the sadness of this winter and spring hasn't completely evaporated, in fact I think it will be palpable for many years to come. I truly believe in the old adage of "if you learned something it wasn't a waste" and I think that is part of the reason I'm comfortable carrying a little bitterness and sadness around with me. It's a good reminder to never take good times for granted, never give up and to never let my guard down.
So while my feed was inundated with photos of sand, water and sun these past two weeks my mind wasn't always wandering around on some cloud. In the few moments that I got to myself (toddlers make quite the demanding beach buddy) I would lay in the sand or water and allow it to relax my physical body but my mind still has a way to go when it comes to healing.
We were having dinner with my parents this past Saturday night (we have been going to the same place in Florida on vacation with them for years now) and my dad noted how that was the first day he felt I was truly myself again. He was right, because just the night before I was telling papa bear how I finally felt like I could unclench one of my fists for the first time in probably six months. I had gotten so used to the survival mode we had been living in, putting one foot in front of the other (often blindly), that the feeling of relaxing was practically foreign to me at this point. It was jarring.
We've done a lot of thinking and a lot of talking over these two weeks. Where did we go wrong? What would we change? How do we want our future to look? Are we happy with how we handled this difficult time? For the most part I think we were proud of ourselves for how we handled this year, save for a few exhaustion and stress induced fights and probably more hours of tv watching for Birdie than I would have liked. Oh, and I wish I kept the house cleaner and had the energy to cook but alas some things did have to fall by the wayside. I would probably credit it to the fact that one of the first deep conversations I remember us having while dating was about how we were passionate about two things when it came to being under stressful circumstances - not complaining and not taking it out on other people. We had been on the receiving end of peoples' ire that came from stress that had nothing to do with us much too many times to continue perpetrating something like that.
For me, I find that the easiest way to accomplish that is quite simply to shut up. When I am extremely stressed I retreat within myself, limit my social interactions and release the pent up emotion with a good cry or two. Sometimes this crying can last close to an hour but I feel like this way is better because all I end up ruining is my makeup, not relationships with people. I also find that the solitude provides me clarity and focus and helps drive me towards an eventual solution. It's tough sometimes I'll admit. Occasionally it's tempting to think about just lashing out and giving someone a piece of my mind but I try and remind myself that the cleanup of the mess that I would create would not be worth the momentary release I may feel.
But most of all I think the reason I've gotten better at this is because I used to be the opposite. My early twenties were such an emotionally tumultuous time for me and I was quite simply a tornado. I felt everyone owed me something, life was so unfair, this person and that person were so mean, blah, blah, blah... And I have spent the latter half of my twenties mending a lot of broken fences. I realized that by allowing my emotions to run amok in my life I was making my life doubly stressful. In a culture surrounded by things like "be yourself!" "be real!!" "don't hold anything in!" it felt like the only right way to exist was one without any sort of self-filter or self-awarness because anything exiting your mind must be inherently "right" by the sole fact that it was "yours." Self-control was an alien concept to me and one that seemed downright insulting to my very being.
The irony is with self-control came freedom that I had never experienced - the freedom to explore my mind. I now know that hurtful thoughts towards others almost always stem from a place of pain inside myself, inflicting pain on someone else won't make mine feel any better. And digging deeper into these raw places of pain have helped me heal them over the years.
This is all to say that before this year I was feeling quite comfortable with how far I had come in my emotional growth, I thought I had "arrived" so to speak and so when our hardships hit I was a little taken aback by the way that my mind began to react. I found myself feeling jealous, angry, annoyed and insulted by the most inane things. In the same breath that I would experience these feelings I would feel ashamed of them. I thought I was stronger than that. So I did the only thing I knew how, I retreated.
I took a step back from social media because at a time when our life felt like a mess I was not mature enough to handle seeing people's vacation photos or "working on another great opportunity!!" tweets. I took a step back from social engagements because I couldn't be the person I knew I should be when people shared their good news. To put it bluntly you could probably say I was sulking. But I knew from past experience that if I continued engaging it would only cause hurt and embarrassment.
The tides did eventually change and the sun came out again both figuratively and literally speaking and I started to come out of hiding. It felt good to be back but I was also never more aware of just how much more work I have to do emotionally than I have been as of late. I've met people who I look up to and admire, who in moments of hardship are able to genuinely celebrate the joys of those around them, who don't feel that someone else's good is constantly underlining their bad. I know this is possible, I just have to figure out how to do it.
Because though life may have gotten easier again, though it may be good now, it is a roller coaster and I know we will find ourselves in a valley again and when we do I want to be better, stronger than before.

A few weeks ago at the start of summer we decided to spend the day in DC as a family. For all we knew this would be our last chance to do this for quite some time. We also really wanted to take Birdie to the Natural History museum. We had been waiting to do this until we were sure that she could enjoy the experience and we were so glad we waited!  We started with breakfast at Le Pain Quotidien. Over tea and coffee we mapped out our day making sure to leave room for the inevitable parking disasters or toddler tantrums. Thank goodness we did because we encountered both situations. Papa bear decided to take the brunt of the toddler tantrum and take Birdie on the Mall in her stroller while I looked for parking. Eventually Birdie calmed down and I found a space and we were finally on our way to the museum! We thought we may have just squeaked by without encountering tourist season in the city but alas the museum was exploding at the seams. We made a brisk walk around the mammal exhibit and spent some quality time with the elephant (which was her favorite anyway) and headed out the door before another tantrum hit. At this point it was time for Birdie's nap so we found a nice quiet street in Eastern Market where we parked the car and then took turns exploring our favorite bookstore - Capitol Hill Books.  I love Amazon and the fact that I can realize that we need baby forks on monday night and have them waiting for us at our door wednesday morning but it also kills me to know that they are the reason that brick and mortar bookstores are closing their doors. Capitol Hill Books is such a gem of a shop and it breaks my heart to think that its days may be numbered, even though the crotchety owner seems to be taking this fact in stride. I can't imagine a world where I won't be able to enter a space bursting with books, the scent of the yellowed pages filling the air and losing myself there amidst stacks of books. In case this day is imminent I highly recommend you pay Capitol Hill Books a visit if you ever find yourself in DC.  And speaking of beloved places I figured I might as well wrap this post up with a list of our favorites: - Montmarte - a tiny authentic French bistro that makes you feel like family and where every dish is out of this world. - Ted's Bulletin - a fun place for brunch where they make their own pop-tarts. Enough said.  - Rose's Luxury - a place we only recently discovered and one of the few DC restaurants that deserves all of the hype.  - Le Diplomate - this is my absolute favorite new restaurant in DC. It is pricey so it's more appropriate for a special occasion but the food and service is phenomenal.  - 2 Amy's Pizza - the best pizza in the DMV area, hands down. Tables are limited and it gets very busy on the weekends.  - Pitango Gelato - their season berry flavors taste like something you would make at home - fresh and delicious.  - Tabard Inn - I'll be honest with you it's some of the worst service ever but the food more than makes up for it. That's why we've been back more than a dozen times, rude servers be damned! There may be some that I missed this first time around so keep an eye out for an update potentially. That being said these are the places we visit most often and love dearly.  As our day in DC was winding down and the sun began to set I felt a familiar heaviness weighing on my heart. I am beyond thrilled about our move but at the same time the thought of no longer being a little over an hour away from our favorite city makes my heart ache. My mind wandered back to the dates we had here before we were married, all the birthdays and special occasions we had celebrated at this or that restaurant, all the memories we had made here with Birdie and truthfully it made me sad. To me there's just nothing like DC, it captured my heart almost ten years ago in a way that no other city ever had before or ever did since.  Brace yourselves for many more of these overly sappy emotional posts over the next couple of weeks. I am such a wuss when it comes to moving, even though this will be my fifteenth move... You would think it would get easier by now...