I hate election years. So much judging, blaming, finger-pointing and divisiveness. Who's side are you on? Right and wrong. Everything becomes wrapped up in terribly dramatic sounding superlatives and every decision seems to carry more weight. Everyone seems to be at their worst.
Our social media feeds become inundated with everyone's opinions on everything from education to gun control. Our spines stiffen. Our fists clench. We get defensive. Sometimes even mean. You're wrong. I'm right. And so the story goes...
I actively try to turn the volume down so that I can try and hear my own voice. With everyone telling me what to think and what to do I find it incredibly important to give myself space to listen, think and compose my own thoughts. So instead of reading or listening from right or left wings I chose to listen and read stories. From people. Facts and figures, dogmas and rules often obstruct the most valuable lesson - the human one. It's easy to judge the lump sum of a person's mistakes when assigned a numerical value. It is far more difficult to do the same after having walked in someone's shoes. Sure, it's simpler, perhaps even safer to live in a black and white world where certain things are inexcusable, where wrong is wrong no matter the circumstances. But in doing so we often apply a mistaken rubric that can be boiled down to "don't be proud of yourself for hitting a triple because you were born on third base." Because when I listen instead of preaching or judging more often than not I find myself feeling ashamed and humbled.
I remember first hearing the term "moral relativism" at the dinner table when I was around seven or eight. Of course I had no idea what the term stood for at the time yet the seeds of that were already being planted. Those seeds blossomed when I studied psychology in college and learned even more about just what contradictory, complicated and multi-faceted creatures we are. Nothing was simple any longer. My ideas of good and bad dissolved and I was left to fumble my way through understanding the world and people with this new framework that I began to build bit by bit.
Over the years I've heard people say that "moral relativism is dangerous." And certainly you can find specific examples where it is. However, I don't think understanding, listening and having a whole lot of humility when dealing with people is dangerous. There's no such thing as too much grace. We all need it and we all deserve it, tons and tons of it. I don't think I will ever regret giving people another chance, trying to see things from someone else's perspective and understanding that I probably don't have all the answers. I do however, think that I will greatly regret being too judgmental, jumping to conclusions and being too harsh on people. Speaking of which I would much rather call this "philosophy" simply "being soft" rather than moral relativism. Because that's really what it is at the end of the day - a decision to be softer. Be softer towards other people, be softer with ourselves, to soften our hearts and our minds. As I go through my day I try to remind myself to hurt and inflame less and love and listen more. Perhaps in turn I get hurt more myself but tears and pain do not frighten me, it's what makes us human after all.
Before I sign off I wanted to share this stanza from one of my favorite Mary Oliver poems that has been stuck in my mind for days:

I've had something on my mind for a while now... The thoughts knitting themselves into sentences. I've texted with friends about it, I've picked apart Kevin's brain late at night my face to the cool pillow and the light of the street lamp casting shadows of pine trees on the walls. I've read about it and thrown paragraphs haphazardly into journals. Humans. Souls. Connection. Friendship. Hearts. Beating. Eyes searching. Hands stretching...
What is this need inside us to be known and to know? To say me too and hear those precious words back. To be heard and perhaps, as we get older, to listen too. What is it in us that turned Facebook and Instagram into million dollar companies that changed the world? Why are we always searching for ways to connect? And when we do are we actually connecting? Is if fulfilling or draining? Is it authentic or fake? Are we gaining or losing? Is that rectangular device so often found in the palm of our hands evil or is it special? Perhaps even both?
When I look at myself and my own use of social media and the way it has morphed and changed over the years I see that it is really, ultimately, a reflection of myself and the state of my heart and soul. When I am at peace and my heart is full I see beauty and kindness. I am grateful for the souls out there that touch mine with gentle words of encouragement and support. I don't "need" it or "crave" it, instead it is a delightful little cherry on top of what already feels like a wonderful day.
However, it is when I'm vulnerable, when I'm feeling self-conscious and questioning things that I see it feed into the most negative parts of my being - the needy, scared, bottomless pit of desire part of myself. It starts a cycle of stripping myself more and more bare in hopes of being swathed in the appreciation of others. But emptiness almost always begets more emptiness and with time I feel completely drained and alone. Because taking never invites giving, it's the other way around.
And so over the years I've learned to heed the warning signs and to step back. To fill the void with things of true lasting substance instead of the quick fix of crowd adoration. And I've learned to love myself through it all.
No one can truly ever understand us. No one will ever see the many layers that compose our hearts and souls. Not everyone will be able to see all the good intentions behind our worst mistakes. The decade long hurts that we nurse on dark days. The brokenness we live with and the tears we shed late at night. The way we don't have it all together most of the time and those secret moments on inner pride when we pump our fists in the air while sitting alone in the car. No one will ever piece together the quilt that makes up our triumphs, failures, joys and heartaches the way only we can.
But I chose to believe this about others. I chose to believe that no one starts the day with intention to hurt or screw up. Because, perhaps, if we all just try a little harder to see each other for the complex, multifaceted, confusing and contradictory people that we are we will see each other with more grace.

One of my favorite quotes from my favorite books is: