Sometimes you just need moment to re-compose yourself, to reset and to remember who you are after all the chiming, twittering, buzzing and screaming dies down. It's really kind of nuts the world we live in, I mean I love it, I really do, but it's nuts. From the moment we wake up to the moment we go to sleep people are telling us what to do, what to like, what they like, that the car needs to be fixed, when the electrician is coming, what is right and what is wrong, tiny humans are always reminding you that they made a "beeeeeg poops" and that they are hungry, what to wear, buy, cook, love, hate... You catch my drift. It's kind of dizzying when you stop and think about it (which is rare) but if you don't you sort of just whiz along this never-ending road of information over-saturation.
This past weekend I found myself wanting to make it all stop. To have some real quite. So I tenderly kissed my iphone and hugged my laptop and told them they need a time-out because they've gotten a bit crazy - what with all the beeping and buzzing and yelling and such. Now this is not to say that my weekend turned into some yoga/spa retreat and I heard nothing but the gentle sound of trickling water. No sir, not in this house. There was laughing and crying and the sound of a dishwasher getting loaded and unloaded and more "poops" declarations and that dastardly garage door that is migrane inducing levels of loud. But in my head things were more or less quiet, or perhaps the word I'm looking for is actually - clear. Things that have seemed confusing for months seemed to all of a sudden make sense and a feeling of peace began to slowly seep back into my mind.
I learned a long, long time ago (goodness gracious I am old) in Psych 101 about Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It's pretty simple really - a triangle composed of five levels beginning with physiological and ending with self-actualization, the pinnacle. Sadly for most people in this world they are in a constant battle to attain physiological needs. And just as many cannot say that their need for safety has been taken care of. Then we have what I suppose you can call "first world problems" such as the need for love and belonging (the third level) and esteem (the fourth level). For me personally, it seems as if I am forever stuck in the esteem level. All of my basic needs are met as is my need for love and belonging but my need for esteem seems to become sharpened every winter. When the weather gets cold and the sun rarely shines I start to question everything, but most importantly my worth. Is it me or is fomo the worst in the winter months? It seems as if everyone but me is doing something awesome. I find myself wishing I was in Paris or Mexico or the Caribbean. I wish I had a book deal, a "tour" for anything really, speaking at some cool event or designing something (clothes, jewelry, shoes, etc...). I wish this space was better (whatever that means, I really have no idea...), I got more comments (there I said it, the unspeakable truth of what we all think ALL the time, sorry) or more widely read. Gosh the "wishes" are never-ending until I just wear myself out and decide that it's all hopeless and crawl into a hole... So perhaps that's a bit of an exaggeration but you know what I mean.
But the thing is I don't really want any of those things. Even if I envy creatives that have carved out their own unique and incredible careers that doesn't mean it's for me. I know what my passion is and always will be (psychology) but in this milieu that I often find myself in (design creatives, mommy bloggers, shop owners) it seems passe to want or have a traditional career. It's almost as if you somehow haven't worked hard enough or just simply aren't interesting or creative enough. And for me that's very tough to swallow. Because I am a creative person and always have been. I've been painting and writing and dancing since I was a little child. But none of that has ever excited me as much as the human mind. And yet the fact that I will never turn my painting, writing or anything else into a career haunts me constantly. Am I not good enough? Not unique enough or talented? Why can't I just start a shop or business or what not? Why do I feel like school is the easy way out when I actually know that it's not?
The need for esteem I suppose. I've been wrangling these thoughts for some time in my mind until I started seeing this quote my Cheryl Strayed popping up everywhere: