It's been a while since I had a good "everything is wrong" cry and so last night, sitting on the kitchen floor with a roll of paper towels, it felt just right. Ever since school started and life started to whiz by at lightening fast speed I've been trying to keep up with a smile on my face. Appointments, classes, lunches, sick pets and all and so much in between and I kept telling myself and everyone around me that I'm doing great! Really I am!!
And for the most part I am. But as my husband so kindly reminded me it's important for me to check in with myself, to allow myself to be vulnerable and yes, occasionally complain. I never want to be a burden, I always want to be the one telling everyone else it's all going to work out and the glass is half full and so on. But I'm learning this year that grace is putting down my confetti blaster and allowing someone else to tell me that it's going to be ok. And sometimes that involves copious amounts of tears.
Without even noticing it I allowed so much anxiety to creep into my days and nights. I began to feel the familiar feeling of drifting. Drifting away from my life and into those secret chambers of my mind always eager to confuse and deflate. It happens gradually, little pockets of disconnection here and there until days have gone by and I don't know what I've been doing or where I've been. Life breaks down into reflexes as most of my brain becomes absorbed in what-if scenarios.
So I am grateful for last night. For the opportunity to complain, to shed some hot tears and for the much needed reminder that nothing is collapsing and I am in fact doing my very best. And so I put the anxiety to bed, again, and quieted the voice that is always telling me to hurry and that it's never enough. Last night, under the fool moon, I reminded myself to trust my voice again and my place in the universe.
So today I will repeat as many times as necessary "I am exactly where I need to be. I am enough. I am doing enough. I am spreading kindness and love and that is all I have responsibility over. This day and all the moments in it is a gift."

• pumpkin pie - I have no shame. As soon as I see one at the grocery store I buy it. And a can of whipped cream.
• wooly socks - I'm on the hunt for some good wooly fair isle socks. The image above is just from google but if you have any tips I'm all ears! 
• wheat stalks - I just ordered myself a little bouquet of wheat that I think will be such a nice understated autumnal touch to our home.
• mossy candle - I want this gorgeous thing in my life so badly! East Fork pottery makes me swoon. 
• Good Morning, Neighbor - I recently got this book for the kids and we all just fell in love with the sweet inclusive story. They beg to have it read to them every day!
• Everyday Oil - I finally bit the bullet on this oil this summer after reading all the hype and I am so glad I did. It truly does replace 50% of your beauty products. I use it as a face oil, in place of lotion and on the kids after bath time. Love. 
• slow cooker - as soon as September comes I haul out my slow cooker and start to cook everything in it. There's just nothing more delightful to me than a rainy afternoon and the smell of something delicious and comforting wafting out of the slow cooker.
• Noosa maple yogurt - have you tried the Noosa maple yogurt? I'm a huge fan of their products since I don't really like yogurt but this doesn't even taste like yogurt. And this new flavor is so perfectly fall. I can't get enough!! 
• linen napkins - as I continue to try and cut down on waste in our home I've started to grow a collection of linen napkins and tea towels as a way to replace paper. How lovely is this Jenny Pennywood set? I thrifted a gorgeous set of six this summer, I'll have to show you one of these days!
• Serial Season 3 - I am so insanely excited for this. Season two was sadly meh but everyone is hyping up this next season and I can't wait to dig in! 
• Speaking of podcasts I've become completely obsessed with this podcast when it comes to helping me fall asleep. I'm almost always asleep by the second go around and I find Kathryn's voice so soothing. 
• Here are the three books currently in my Amazon cart. 
• And these are my four favorite autumn recipes. One for the slow cooker. One for the oven. One for your sweet tooth. And one just because!

I spent a lot of last year on the run, theoretically speaking. I wanted to run far, far away from everything that was causing me pain, discomfort or unhappiness. Running looks different for everyone but it is similar in one big way - it causes damage. It leaves us feeling breathless, spent and utterly lost. And for all of the energy exerted it is a useless endeavor. The older I get the more I learn that no matter how neatly we may fold our lives a gust of wind will come and toss it all askew from time to time. So I practice the art of letting go of perfection and finding abundance in the NOW.
Now doesn't need adjectives, it simply means we are alive in this moment. Now doesn't need to fit into a box or adhere to any label. Now is simply here. Now is your breath, whether jagged or even. Now is the beauty your eye can see, whether hidden or in plain sight. Now is sound filling your ears, whether it be beautiful music or the sound of a car whizzing past you on the road. Now is warm hands or cold feet. Now is the comforting taste of milk or the fizz of bubbles dissolving on your tongue. Perhaps you can call this groundedness, or meditation, but whatever you call taking a moment to shed the maddening search for perfection and acceptance of what is granted to us by the universe in this present moment, it is good.
I've learned that the universe does not appreciate us trying to wrench out desires out of her bosom. She does not like to be rushed or forced. Our lives move according to each of our own unique currents we happen to be traveling on. One river does not compare the speed of her current to another river, she is resplendent in her own waters. And with grounding and gratitude always comes a welcome boon - the realization that so much of what we desire we already have and what we don't have we probably don't need anyway. Because what we all really want is love, safety, nourishment and joy. I am learning to sift through the ceaseless torrent of fabricated wants and to spoon out only that which is truly worth desiring. I remind myself that I do not desire material things for they always come tainted and will never truly bring peace and fulfillment. I desire a home where we can grow our family and where our children can learn to further rely on and love the earth. I used to be so blinded with exactly what type of home I want, what type of furniture I want to fill it with and so on. But the universe knows what we need and when we need it. I desire work that makes use of the talents I was given, that brings joy and comfort to those around me. I have let go of the desire for work that will be lauded, look glamorous or come with a certain paycheck. I desire a life that feels intentional, peaceful and full of love. I am learning to relinquish the need to have my life and my surroundings look a certain way, fit into certain preconceived notions I have harbored about life and, most importantly, I am learning to relinquish the need to have absolute control over it all.
Our words are powerful. The way we understand the world around us and specifically our lives is the most powerful. All we truly have are these moments. Yesterday's moments and the moment we are in currently. And in any given moment there is so much to be grateful for. I am constantly reminding myself to stop seeking the mysterious future and instead accept, revel in and enjoy what today has bestowed upon me right now. I still dream and hope but I'm careful about what these dreams and hopes look like. Do they exist to bring me joy and momentum or do they exist to harm and disappoint? We all need something to look forward to, we all need dreams but all too often the dreams we create are guaranteed to sour into nightmares because they are not rooted in truth, goodness and wisdom. I find that I am an increasingly happier person when the only dreams and hopes I allow into my life are ones that are attainable and built around my values that have roots to the earth and wings strong enough to reach the sky.

• John Coltrane on a cool, rainy morning with the windows open
• The smell of apple hand pies bubbling in the oven
• Teddy's warm little hand on my chest first thing in the morning
• A good heart to heart with a friend I haven't seen all summer
• Seeing Birdie's face light up when she spots me in her classroom through the glass door
• Watching the first leaves make their graceful descent to the ground
• The first taste of a warm and cozy pumpkin spice latte
• Washing all the woolen things in preparation for the cooler days
• Thumbing through some old, old books and imagining the lives of their past owners
• Applying a perfect burgundy color, labeled "library," to my nails 
• Pulling little drawings out of Birdie's backpack at the end of the day
• Bringing home our first tiny little pumpkin
• The smell of Mrs. Meyer's apple cider counter top spray in the kitchen
• Watching all the fall things come into the stores, including cinnamon brooms
• A box of my favorite macarons courtesy of a thoughtful husband 
• Diffusing orange essential oil throughout the house
• Crawling into clean sheets after a long bubble bath
• The mist hovering over the cornfields in the mornings