So about yesterday... You guys... It was seriously "the WOOORSST!!" [imagine that being yelled in Jean Ralphio's voice from Parks & Rec]. Everything went wrong. Starting with the night before when V decided that she was just going to wake up every hour on the dot just to vex us and turn us into zombies the next day. Then like an idiot I chug a mug of coffee first thing in the morning so "napping while the baby naps" goes right out of the window. I was a sorry mess of a person. For the sake of not being a bore I'll wrap up the rest for you - tipped over trash can full of the previous night's roast chicken remains, a much needed but elusive shower, not a moment to work, an extra yucky diaper and lots of crying (for us both). Actually it was, shockingly, my first meltdown since having her. I almost made it until papa came home but I think simply hearing his voice on the phone released the floodgates. And then, him being my knight in shining armor that he is he sent me off to the bath tub with a bath bomb and this month's Atlantic. I think it just all got to me, all at once. The changing, washing, lulling, feeding, rocking, playing, cooing, blah, blah, blah... 

And then as life would have it papa bear put her to sleep without me saying good night and I spent the whole evening secretly hoping she'd wake up right this minute so mama could give a kissy kiss goodnight. This pumpkin is a handful but gosh darn it if I don't love her more than I thought humanly possible. 

Today I got a little more sleep. Green grass seemed to grow over everything overnight. I put on my "spa" Pandora station and baked some cookies. And all the while she just cooed and played on the blanket on the floor... grinning away at something wonderful only she can know and see and I swear to God I thought life just can't be more perfect than this. 

And that is the kind of insane, contradictory human I am. 

But it's pretty awesome in the end. 

*Photos from a little family afternoon at the park last week

teaching art to his students

my father & his siblings getting a peek at the brand new baby

my grandfather holding my dad's hand

I'll be completely honest with you, I was never close to my grandfather. He was an incredibly private man of few words. In public he was a great orator, a great leader and pastor. And yet at family gatherings you rarely heard him speak. He passed away a few years ago and oddly enough it is only now that he is gone that I feel like I'm getting to know the man that I was so used to seeing crouched over his laptop and a Bible. 

He will always be remembered for his work in the church but I've come to relish discovering his identity through the lens of his artistic self. You see my grandfather was, among many things, a painter, photographer and musician. I believe my father and I get our love of art and aesthetics from him. As a young man he painted and taught art at his local school. After he was exiled to Uzbekistan for his work in the church during communism he began to work as a photographer to cover up the fact that he was still pastoring. Besides taking photographs for work he was brilliant at documenting the life of his family. I feel incredibly lucky to have such a treasure trove of memories of my father's childhood. 

When I helped my grandmother pack up their house after my grandfather passed away I sifted through dozens of boxes chock full of black and white photographs with ripped up corners. There was a story behind every single one and it was moving to hear them come to life through the words of my grandmother. Even besides the boxes she possessed there are hundreds more strewn across the world in the homes of my aunts and uncles and our friends. 

Recently I've been taking the time to go through them and collect ones that really stand out to me. Some I pull because they capture a rare tender moment between my grandfather and one of my aunts or uncles and some because artistically they are just so beautiful. 

A few weeks ago I sat by my scanner, the photos littering the floor around me, and just took each one of them in... I looked into the eyes of this man I knew so little about and tried to understand his life, tried to dig deeper. What were his secret dreams? His desires that he never saw come to life? His beliefs that he perhaps feared to share with anyone? Did he have regrets? What were some of his biggest joys. 

I recently came across this quote online: "If you want to learn what someone fears losing, watch what they photograph." He didn't often say it, and he certainly wasn't known for being affectionate, but if I were to apply that quote to my grandfather I would say he feared losing his family and loved them deeply. 

Perhaps I'll never really know the truth about him but I feel like I'm starting to put the pieces together one yellowed photograph at a time...

My cousin came to visit us this past weekend and to meet V for the first time. It was incredibly exciting to be reunited since we hadn't seen each other since last summer. The last time she hugged me there was a sizable bump that separated us... now that bump is four months old and took to her aunty as if she already knew they were going to be best friends. It was so nice to have our house filled with her laughter, to exchange hugs, to talk late into the night with cans of diet coke swiftly accumulating on the kitchen counter. We shared our joys and our sorrows and picked up right where we left off. It felt comforting to be in the company of someone we know well and trust. There's a comfort level there that has been built over the years; over joint vacations, over summers spent on trampolines, over pepto bismol pink birthday parties festooned with dozens of balloons and weddings. We've been through a lot together - the ups and downs of friendship, family drama, personal drama and general growing up goodness. We've watched each other fall in love and have our hearts broken, we've helped each other navigate the windy roads of big life decisions and we've laughed and cried so much along the way. I've had a lot of people come and go in my life and she has always been a constant. 

It's such a privilege, I believe, to know someone for so long. I watched her go from a toddler to a teenager and almost overnight blossom into a young lady. It only felt right that the weekend we celebrated love, life and blossoming that nature would shower us with her own most beautiful blossoms. On Monday morning she climbed into bed with V and I, all of us in our pajamas, and we just played and cooed and sipped steaming cups of coffee. The rain poured down outside and it just felt so cozy and wonderful in our little blue cabin. We put V down for a nap, refilled our cups of coffee and talked over some waffles drowned in Nutella. We kept pushing back her leaving time until it couldn't be pushed back anymore...

And though she left us with a heavy heart from parting there was also so much gratitude and warmth from the time we spent enjoying each other's company. 

"Well by George! This place is swell! Swell I say!"

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. Mine was full of time with friends and family and it just felt sooo good for the soul. But more on that later!

I wanted to share a few photos from our lunch at Terrain during our Philly trip. I had been dying to go there for years and it did not disappoint! First of all papa bear had to physically drag me away from all the adorably curated shelves at the store and then we inhaled their magical popovers that I'm certain I'll be dreaming of for years. I also have to mention that the staff there are so incredibly sweet and warm and when it comes to restaurants that is a huge deal for me. I also just really enjoying being a part of such a well thought out experience that probably used to be a cherished dream for someone. Nothing was expected or average about Terrain and it just felt like an honor to get to enjoy someone's vision come to life! It really is unlike anything I had experienced before and we are already planning a trip back!